22 October 2013

Fool Inside

I can't stand to let you in
I'm just watching you
And I don't know what to do

Silence abounds lately. Too many thoughts, too many feelings that I don't know what to do with. Distraction has been key. But all that results from that is a magical fuck-ton of rage. 

I have nowhere to go with this rage. It's just sitting inside of me, festering, simmering. 

There are so many elephants in the room that is my family that one can hardly move their lungs to breath. No one talks. No one says how they REALLY feel. No one addresses the real issues. If you do, you get shut down, hushed, or brushed off with the flick of an avoidance-laden wrist. 

God may be good. God may be great. But where is he now? Is this round of cancer going to be more of a blessing than the last one? Will you feel so very blessed and loved and special when you're alone? I don't think so, but I know you'll never admit it out loud. You'll be lost. There will be no one left to steer around. No one left to go fetch. No one left to listen and watch you as you destroy yourself. 

THAT is how I feel. It's ugly. I know it is. It hurts that I feel that way. But it is how it is..and it is what it is. 

But here I sit, in silence, not speaking unless spoken too, not seen unless it's a fucking holiday. Not heard. 

Doesn't matter what I think anyway. What really matters is what he thinks and how he chooses to deal with this newest cancerous "blessing". 

Another thing I think of, constantly: Who the FUCK gets cancer in the lymph nodes and then waits another THREE FUCKING WEEKS to have surgery to remove said nodes? WHO? WHY? 

Yet another thing I think of, almost as constantly: What if.  What if you'd gone ahead and did the radiation after they took away half your mouth? What if you'd suffered for that much longer and totally eradicated it then. Instead of "leaving it up to the Lord".  

Bitter much? Yes I am. 

If you have a family where everyone is closely knit, tight, and in touch with each other's true feelings, never, ever take it for granted.  There are those of us who get to care from the sidelines, and get ignored in person. Those of us who have cried silent tears, ached invisible aches and watched with envy as their parents doted on and spent more time with complete strangers. 

All because we never fit their mold, so we were passed over and they moved on to the next project. 

Good fucking luck with that. 

I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I'm terrified. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm down. I'm confused. I'm fucking angry. 

Maybe this is just one of those steps....like the steps in "addiction"....this is the anger phase.  Combined with the denial phase, but the anger is starting to foam up and boil to the surface. 

I really am feeling like a fool inside. 

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