24 October 2013

Dead Folks Sway

One haunting song. One exceptionally beautiful building. I would sit there for hours if I knew where it was. 

I am obsessed with the beauty of old, old churches and old cemeteries...the kind that possess the headstones and mausoleums that were and are truly works of art. They just don't make 'em like they used to. Now everything is all cookie-cutter bullshit, mass-manufactured for mass profit. Sucks. 

Art in architecture is dying. Grand houses that once held tons of love and family stand empty and rotting. Mausoleums are torn down, remains relocated to make way for more individual plots. Makes me think that cremation or at least a natural burial would be the better choice when I go. 

I can't imagine life without my beloved or my kids or my animals, so it's hard to think about not being here anymore. THEY are the beings that keep me moving forward. They are my sun, my moon, my stars, my air, my water. I'm not overly emotive when it comes to love, but that's how I feel, deep down in the locked and bricked up chamber of my heart and soul. 

As pissed as I may be about my dad and his cancer, I can't imagine how life will be when he's not here any more. I can't imagine what it will do to my mom. I don't want to imagine it, or even think about it, but there's no denying reality. Age and sickness take their toll on all of us at some point. 

There are more than two sides of lonely. 

22 October 2013

Fool Inside

I can't stand to let you in
I'm just watching you
And I don't know what to do

Silence abounds lately. Too many thoughts, too many feelings that I don't know what to do with. Distraction has been key. But all that results from that is a magical fuck-ton of rage. 

I have nowhere to go with this rage. It's just sitting inside of me, festering, simmering. 

There are so many elephants in the room that is my family that one can hardly move their lungs to breath. No one talks. No one says how they REALLY feel. No one addresses the real issues. If you do, you get shut down, hushed, or brushed off with the flick of an avoidance-laden wrist. 

God may be good. God may be great. But where is he now? Is this round of cancer going to be more of a blessing than the last one? Will you feel so very blessed and loved and special when you're alone? I don't think so, but I know you'll never admit it out loud. You'll be lost. There will be no one left to steer around. No one left to go fetch. No one left to listen and watch you as you destroy yourself. 

THAT is how I feel. It's ugly. I know it is. It hurts that I feel that way. But it is how it is..and it is what it is. 

But here I sit, in silence, not speaking unless spoken too, not seen unless it's a fucking holiday. Not heard. 

Doesn't matter what I think anyway. What really matters is what he thinks and how he chooses to deal with this newest cancerous "blessing". 

Another thing I think of, constantly: Who the FUCK gets cancer in the lymph nodes and then waits another THREE FUCKING WEEKS to have surgery to remove said nodes? WHO? WHY? 

Yet another thing I think of, almost as constantly: What if.  What if you'd gone ahead and did the radiation after they took away half your mouth? What if you'd suffered for that much longer and totally eradicated it then. Instead of "leaving it up to the Lord".  

Bitter much? Yes I am. 

If you have a family where everyone is closely knit, tight, and in touch with each other's true feelings, never, ever take it for granted.  There are those of us who get to care from the sidelines, and get ignored in person. Those of us who have cried silent tears, ached invisible aches and watched with envy as their parents doted on and spent more time with complete strangers. 

All because we never fit their mold, so we were passed over and they moved on to the next project. 

Good fucking luck with that. 

I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I'm terrified. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm down. I'm confused. I'm fucking angry. 

Maybe this is just one of those steps....like the steps in "addiction"....this is the anger phase.  Combined with the denial phase, but the anger is starting to foam up and boil to the surface. 

I really am feeling like a fool inside. 

15 October 2013

I Don't Feel A-Okay

Funny how things apply after the fact. 

I'm not celebrating nothing
And I certainly do NOT feel A-Okay. 

Today was a confirmation of bad news. Today sucks. 

Feeling completely and totally powerless sucks. 

Not knowing what to even do. Sucks. 

I want that medicine that makes me feel like a tall tree.  Not sure what that medicine is for you, but for me, it'd be a nice bag of morphine and an equally nice, comfy IV. 

Now when you break yourself down,
And go to this place.
You give yourself the reason,
To get off your case.
And when you break it down yeah,
And see through this shit.
You give yourself the reason,
To live through this.

I know, in time, I will break it all down and make some semblance of sense out of everything, but today is not that day. I don't pray. Praying does nothing. Praying is wasted oxygen. Praying is not being awake. I'm not saying that it should be that way for anyone other than me, I'm saying that it's how I feel and that would be that. 

Where's the bloody miracle now? What's miraculous is how people can think things are such a blessing, when in reality, it was just getting started. Just getting wound up. Just getting ready for round 2. 

Maybe I'll get myself a nice, cold, something other than beer, sit myself down and drink myself away for a bit. 

Where's that medicine? 

12 October 2013

My Way, Highway, Wrong Way, Right Way

Woke up with another raging head pain....and this looping around the brain cell. 

It's a very catchy melody....damn it...and the words are rather fitting for what's going on with our so-called government lately.....

and it feels like 
that your promises are omens
and it feels like 
that to push me is to shove me 
and it feels like 
that the only way is the wrong way 

Then, push all of the governmental bullshit aside, forget about it and think about what it takes to be this girl.

And she's (not) just the face for the struggles that women encounter across this muddied globe. I haven't had the chance to read the book yet, but I'll be ordering it soon, I think. You think I'm falling for all the hype? 

It's different. Yes, she's on the circuit promoting the book because that's how we do things here and probably elsewhere around the globe. But on a personal level, this is one of those times where normal people might ignore their intuition....might just pass it off and keep going...but for me, every time I see her, hear her speak, or read about her, I get chills. Not the bad kind, but the kind of chills that you get when you're in the presence of someone special. If I could see auras, I would imagine hers is bright and shining. I think she's sent from somewhere else in the Universe. An angel, for those of you that believe in that. For me, just a soul and a spirit that has so many things to teach us....and yet brings the weirdest, most offsetting sense of peace and calm. 

If you can get past the hype, the preconceived notions and all that, maybe........just maybe.........

SHE is the Universe's way of telling us all to WAKE UP. 

10 October 2013

Games Never Played

This was floating around in the cavity formerly known as my skull this morning....

The lyrics don't apply much at the moment, but they would....because I really wouldn't love again if I lost my beloved. I wouldn't pretend that anyone else would ever measure up.  Enough said. 

As for the video? I just really dig it.  The coloring, the woman in the center of the clock...the freeze frames and slo-mo with the billowing satin...just gorgeous. Kind of says that TIME will knock you on your ass if you don't pay attention. That, I can most certainly attest to.  

Time, wasted, spent, and otherwise squandered, is also going to knock not only our government, but our country on their collective ass, if something or someone doesn't give. At this point, I don't even care which side caves, because to know that, in the meantime, during this temper tantrum of astronomical proportions, the men and women who fight across the globe to keep this "country" safe are dying and then being told "Hey, guess what?  YOU get to foot the bill!!!"  Not only do they have to sacrifice their entire existence, they get to leave behind families who then get to pick up the pieces with no help from the entity for which the person died to begin with....and yet the whiny little elected officials continue to regale us with tales of woe about how THEY need their checks, too.  Puke.  Fuck that. And........Puke. 

Europe is sounding really, really attractive about now.  Canada, as my husband suggested, not so much. Entirely TOO FUCKING COLD there....would be like staying here.  Somewhere Mediterranean in nature...Greece, Sicily.....that'd be fairly sweet as well.  

There's corruption, greed, lying and bullshit, no matter where you go, so really, dreaming of leaving is pretty much senseless if the only reason is to get away with America's brand of bullshit.  You can dream. You can fight the good fight. You can stand up for what you know to be right and true...but in the end....

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know...

Life is ours, we live it our way

07 October 2013

Vampires for Congress

There are no songs that adequately portray how my head has felt for the past week. Not sure what's going on, but this incessant, droning, dull yet burning headache just needs to vanish.  In the meantime...

This always sums up how I feel about being a minor speck on the back of a microscopic bed bug crawling around on the head of a brand new fly, flying into the mouth of a phantasmal poison frog, whose toxins would, in the right formulation, certainly and swiftly KILL my headache.  Or, in the wrong combination, kill me.  

No matter what side of the politi-fence you sit on, you have to see, by now, just how stupid all of this shutdown really is, and just how much of a game it is, and just how far your own representatives will go in this incessant game of chicken, and just how very little the THEY's care about us, the people who got them (or so we think) where they are.  

And to those of you out there, who think it'd be cool to light yourself up?  

How about moving just a TOUCH closer to the Capitol buildings...like in the lobby? Now THAT would make a statement. Way more of a statement than going way down the street to light your match. Furthermore, WHY would you even THINK that such a thing would make any sort of difference? Lest you think I am serious about self immolation, STOP IT. I am not. That was sarcasm. 

It's going to take a magical, metric fuckton more than singular persons, who can be misconstrued as ""crazy"" to wake up the electeds or get them out of there and start over.  If they don't care about the people who worked for them day after day, or the people who keep our country "safe" (at least from SOME outside forces)...do you really think they care about the Kamikazes?  Try again. 

I am a little bit bitter. 

I am a little bit frustrated. 

And do you know how they keep us, as a complete society, complacent?  They issue forth shiny, colorful new iPhones to distract us.  Or twerking morons who can't keep their tongues inside their cranial cavities. They will do ANYTHING and I do mean ANYTHING no matter how grandiose or trivial, to maintain that smoke screen, so we never bother to stand up and fight for what is true, what is right and what is humane. 

So yeah.  

Happy Monday, eh?  

01 October 2013

Just. Wake. Up.

So much bullshit this week.  

A. Heisenberg is heisengone.  Suckage

B. The GOOBERment has decided it's easier to shut down than to fade away. 

C. Ok, there's no "C".  

So, I guess maybe there's not SO MUCH bullshit, but the combination of these two issues alone is enough to just really peeve me. In honor of the douche canoes floating around in DC whining, crying and stomping their tiny-minded little feet in a stupefying tantrum, I offer this suggestion...for BOTH SIDES:  

Just watch Fergie. She makes everything SEEM better.  

Yes she is my girlcrush. There you have it.  Happy Heisenberging.