22 September 2013

This Will Not Do

I have no clue what I searched last night on Youboob but when I did, this girl was in the sidebar.  I'm sure, if you're someone who is in touch with today's music, you know her. I don't. She's all new to me.  And while, in ONLY MY OPINION, she's kind of riding on a combination of the poppy, yet British, Adele kind of sound (who wouldn't it's a good sound!!), there's something there....and it's not ALL pop nor is it ALL Adele, it's different.  I also figured that with a name like that, you can't suck all that much (HA, I know this to be a false thought process, yet I still try new things here and there...)  

This wasn't the first thing I found, but the lyrics herein are what got me.....

Especially these: 

Cause I was raised up 
To be admired to be noticed
But when you're withdrawn it's the closest thing
To assault when all eyes are on you
This will not do

I was frightened of every little thing that I thought was out to get me down
To trip me up and laugh at me

No, I wasn't raised as a pageant baby, or to even be a 'girlie' girl....but I was constantly put on display when I didn't want to be....forced to sing or to play piano in front of the congregation or at school.  And I did it, for years, because I thought it would gain me the approval and acceptance I so longed for, yet never quite got. Ever. Any accolades....just fleeting seconds here and there, were just not worth it.  And, any voice that I did have, that I was just about to get to use in my own way? Squashed, like a gnat on the countertop....obliterated because doing so wasn't gelling with someone else's ideals of what I should be doing.  So, yeah, we'll never know where I could've gone because my will to find out what I truly could do, that was firmly planted at the bottom of the compost pile. Why? Because, as seems to be a running theme in my life, because of fear.  

Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep 
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat 

Her cover of this Kings of Leon tune is fairly touching. I like it.  Actually I like alot of what I listened to, so at some point, I might buy some of it. Funny how the only REAL verse or set of lyrics in the song is that which resonates most......because I am withdrawn and because I was forced to think that if I wasn't singing in service of someone else's Lord I should just stay silent.....because of that, i wage a lot of wars in my sleep while others are out DOING what they know they can do. Maybe it's in the knowing? I don't have that particular knowledge about myself. 

And then, there's Adele, who has been dinging my brain cell all weekend. Not sure why...maybe it's just because she has such a mesmerizing voice and the ability to put words in to a form that hits me right in the heart....this girl/woman just has something you don't find every day.  

I think this song has to be my absolute favorite. Why? Because I am so the opposite of socially adept. I don't deal with people all that well. I can't make small talk. I can't babble on endlessly about myself and my life. I have the attention span of a flea...which may be mistaken for a really good ability to listen....and I am painfully shy, to the point of preferring to just be at home with my beloved than out in public where there's even the possibility of being assaulted by the stares of others.  So, no, I can't keep up with all the social cues, the games people play, the back and forth and constant changing of minds, I can't do it and I don't respond well when forced to do it. 

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

Whatever I might have been, I've let go. I stare at my grandma's piano, sitting in the corner, holding up pictures and candleholders, and I know that I could make sound come out of it, but it's almost painful to do so....because then it would remind me of how weak I was and still am. THIS will not do. Whatever I am now, comes through my typed words and things made out of whatever....(like my current, decades-long, addiction to yarn and fabric and fashion...) Because those things don't care if I mess up...those things let me hit the delete key or rip out a row or a whole piece and they let me start over.  

With those things, I can breathe. There is still a magical fuck-ton of fear, mind you...but it's fear that I am willing to fight....because I know I don't have any other option. While my fear isn't crippling, it's not a full-blown phobia, it's enough to keep me motivated to make sure I won't have to go back out amongst other humans and make like I'm part of society. 

There's not really any wake up call today...just more realization about who I really am. You learn something new every day, right?  

Full lyrics here: 

and here: 

and here: 

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