06 September 2013

This Is Ourselves

So yesterday would have been Mr. Mercury's 67th birthday. I heard his voice before I ever laid eyes on him. For years. The sheltered child doesn't get a lot of exposure to the outside, secular world, growing up in a devoutly Christian household. What can I say?  

Well, what I can say is that having heard Queen numerous times, it opened my mind to new musical possibilities and allowed me to explore other genres I may not have found otherwise. The clear, crystal voice, the operatic tendencies, the harmonies, made me want more. All inside the confines of the echoing cavern otherwise known as my skull. 

The outside world loomed larger, I suppose. It squashed me down....Not it, perhaps, but them. Parents. Trying ever so diligently to mold me into something I never was nor ever will be. Reminiscent of yesterday's song, I was constantly "Under Pressure" to live up to everyone else's expectations and was never truly allowed to develop my own expectations. 

Life went on, obviously. I'm not sitting here try to whine and gain pity about a less-than-perfect childhood. Just exploring the reasons for who I am and how I am today.  I suppose I would liken it to being a prisoner for decades, a prisoner who one day is released or breaks free, and then doesn't know what to do. When I look back, all I see is a constant failure of other people, failing to do what they thought I should do. Under pressure. Under immense protest.  

Now, all these years later, I can feel the sun on my face and the breeze in my hair and sometimes, all I want to do is go back and hide.  But, I can't and I won't.  Failure is not an option. It's not even up for discussion. No matter what happened to us as tiny humans, what we do NOW is solely up to us. Each of us has the power inside of us to choose a different direction. A different mindset. Different motivations. 

Yesterday, on Mr. Mercury's birthday, I was placing myself under a tremendous amount of pressure....blanketed in anxiety. Doubting myself at every turn. Panic. Disgust. Fear. I did the only thing I knew to do, and I reached, nay, screamed out to my beloved friend who is far too far away, because I knew she would listen and understand. She doesn't know how much she helped me. Helped me to realize that I was being silly.....helped me get back up on that..... 

And now, some 24 hours later, this FLAT (rather than FAT) Bottomed woman is back up on her bicycle and moving forward. I leave you with the best opening harmony ever.  

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