19 September 2013

Buy Your Second Guesses From Heisenberg

Clearly, I cannot get away from this song......

I haven't even had anything profound to discuss since last Sunday and yet, the song keeps dinging me. I was sitting here, innocently enough, working yesterday. My husband always turns on my radio alarm when he shuts his beeper alarm off each day. I, then, always forget to shut it off and proceed to be lifted out of my seat when it turns on at 4:30 p.m. by the very loud sounds of the local "rock" (term used very, very loosely) station. Same thing occurred yesterday, and at exactly the same time that the alarm started, this very song was starting...I mean JUST starting...there it was.  Freaky, probably only to me, but still....freaky.  

I think it applied yesterday because I've been working, like a damned fool, to try to accomplish my writing work and goals....I was stressed because I was NOT getting things done at the speed I though I SHOULD be getting things done....stress.  So yeah, I wish....I wish that this life was just a fantasy....but instead, it's just reality.  And reality, sometimes, definitely bites.  

Then, this morning, I saw this......

Which, NOW, of course, makes perfect sense.  NOW, after stressing and "reacting" to my fears yesterday....today, I can take a step back and "respond" instead, right?  I handle a lot of things internally, inside the dusty cavern where my brain cell lives.....why?  

  • Fear
  • Fear
  • More Fear
  • Fear
  • Confusion
  • Fear

Fear of rejection, fear of reprimand, fear of looking like an idiot, fear of being left behind...all these things control my inability to just open my mouth.  Instead, I ingest whatever comes along, and I chew on it internally, then I panic, also internally, and plan, internally...and then DO something, anything, everything I can to make sure that things will be alright, even if alright is just in the moment.  

I feel like most everything negative that happens is my fault....on a personal level.  (I'm not so insane, yet, as to think that my existence is the cause of war and famine, but give me time...I'll get to it.)  I am the Queen of Second Guessing every decision, every word, every sentence and every action I did, do, and will do. 

But this is about responding instead of reacting right?  So, I have to train my brain cell to RESPOND accordingly.  I can't go back and fix my mistakes, I can only do what I can do NOW to make things right, to make things better, to keep things balanced. If I was 100% certain that my mistakes, my faults, my shortcomings and my flaws wouldn't come flying back in my face, it would be easier to share things out loud. Instead, I just try to keep things mellow, peaceful, and to make those that I love happy and NOT pissed off at me. NOT hating me. NOT loathing me. NOT being disgusted by me....all very terrifying to me.  

I hate fear. I wish there was a pill to buy from that man in white that would take away fear....like taking away "Restless Leg Syndrome" or "Erectile Dysfunction"...(which I cannot ever have, thankfully...)..just a simple Anti-Fear pill...that would be nice. That would make me smile.  

On a very complete aside, I would LOVE to hear Bryan Cranston's response to this idea....

THAT would be awesome. And a WAY better ending to an EXCEPTIONAL, PHENOMENAL show (that shouldn't be ending yet.....) than this ending: 

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