29 September 2013

Hard Whipped Cream Cider Rules

In honor of how I would be feeling and what I would be doing today, had I not consumed some combination of this:

and this: 

Even though it's not really Mrs. Murphy's favorite, it's still one of mine....and if I felt more human, this would get me in that righteously pissed off, 'I can do anything, I am woman, hear me roar' kind of mood. 

Then this would just make me want to throw the Black Eyed Pea Experience into the XBox and pretend that I could dance all over the living room rug.

and since it is so TOTALLY looking like a bleary, dreary, very autumnal day outside the confines of my kitchen, I would throw this in, pretend I was some 20 years younger and go dye my hair in the appropriate shade of black.  Don't get me wrong, I still dye my hair, black even, but I don't think I could fool myself into thinking like I look 20 years younger. Probably not even on a good day.!  

Let my suffering be a lesson. Flavored vodka and flavored, sugar-ridden hard ciders are, if nothing else, full of SUGAR.  A poison which sucks the will to move and function the next day.  I was all good and feeling warm and frisky last night. Today. not at all. Stick with the less sugary alcoholic beverages if you feel that you must imbibe. You'll thank me for it. 

Rock on. 

27 September 2013

Squeaky, Squeaky Wheels

Funny, funny how writing about lubricating garden tools brings this to mind:

Funny how writing about greasing pivot points correlates with a lubricated cross.  

Funny how, before writing this, I was writing a subhead called "Squeaky Wheels"....and how that really does apply here. 

Funny how that guy up there, Richard Patrick, who coincidentally is just a few months older than myself,  

 Funny how he's the baby brother of this guy.....

Probably one of the first memorable experiences, outside of watching T1, encountering a walking, human being-looking thing with no soul.  

You also not might know that such a horrifyingly creepy character could also rock.

I didn't, until my Beloved found it...I also never pay much true attention to bands (unless it's Type O Negative or My Ruin), who they are, where they live, and who they are related to....so I never put the two's together until probably about the same time I originally saw this.  

ANYWHOOO, I was all set to go on and on about being pro-choice, about being on the A-theistic side, and about humans with no souls,  but instead I'll just grease my wheels and keep quiet until I'm a bit more clear-headed and can actually focus on one or two points.  In the meantime, you should really check out Filter if you never have.  

I wish I could go see them in October...just going to be a few miles away.  Who knows. Maybe it will happen.  

Grease your wheels, and as always keep moving forward, right?  Happy Friday! 

26 September 2013


Somedays, I just got nothin'.

Happy Thursday.

In the meanwhile, if you're bored and want to see some very trippy iPhone/Smartphone cases, check these out:

24 September 2013

Bitch Fits

That's it...I just totally got distracted by fashion on the way to obtaining the vidya clips for this post.  I just have to stop pretending I don't care and start talking about it. Not here, of course, but somewhere else. :D

THAT being said...this is what I was all about yesterday:

This one, because yeah.....there are never enough hours in the day to listen Mr. Paul say the word.  

This one because I want him to call me one.  I have no clue why, but it would make me squeal. 

and THIS masterpiece?  This one because, what would be better than combining music that makes you want to do several happy dances with A.P.-Style pronunciation of a seemingly mundane word? 

Yesterday was clearly a Bitch-themed day. I saw this in the morning....this could be what started it: 

I am nothing if not full of sarcasm. I have the eye roll/palm wave choreographed to a science. Yesterday however was about feeling accomplished. About getting shit done. Today will be more of the same. Some days you just don't need, want or have any profound thoughts. Hoping today goes that way as well.  

New ideas, more getting shit done, more of the better, less of the worse. 

It's Tuesday, BITCH!  

22 September 2013

This Will Not Do

I have no clue what I searched last night on Youboob but when I did, this girl was in the sidebar.  I'm sure, if you're someone who is in touch with today's music, you know her. I don't. She's all new to me.  And while, in ONLY MY OPINION, she's kind of riding on a combination of the poppy, yet British, Adele kind of sound (who wouldn't it's a good sound!!), there's something there....and it's not ALL pop nor is it ALL Adele, it's different.  I also figured that with a name like that, you can't suck all that much (HA, I know this to be a false thought process, yet I still try new things here and there...)  

This wasn't the first thing I found, but the lyrics herein are what got me.....

Especially these: 

Cause I was raised up 
To be admired to be noticed
But when you're withdrawn it's the closest thing
To assault when all eyes are on you
This will not do

I was frightened of every little thing that I thought was out to get me down
To trip me up and laugh at me

No, I wasn't raised as a pageant baby, or to even be a 'girlie' girl....but I was constantly put on display when I didn't want to be....forced to sing or to play piano in front of the congregation or at school.  And I did it, for years, because I thought it would gain me the approval and acceptance I so longed for, yet never quite got. Ever. Any accolades....just fleeting seconds here and there, were just not worth it.  And, any voice that I did have, that I was just about to get to use in my own way? Squashed, like a gnat on the countertop....obliterated because doing so wasn't gelling with someone else's ideals of what I should be doing.  So, yeah, we'll never know where I could've gone because my will to find out what I truly could do, that was firmly planted at the bottom of the compost pile. Why? Because, as seems to be a running theme in my life, because of fear.  

Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep 
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat 

Her cover of this Kings of Leon tune is fairly touching. I like it.  Actually I like alot of what I listened to, so at some point, I might buy some of it. Funny how the only REAL verse or set of lyrics in the song is that which resonates most......because I am withdrawn and because I was forced to think that if I wasn't singing in service of someone else's Lord I should just stay silent.....because of that, i wage a lot of wars in my sleep while others are out DOING what they know they can do. Maybe it's in the knowing? I don't have that particular knowledge about myself. 

And then, there's Adele, who has been dinging my brain cell all weekend. Not sure why...maybe it's just because she has such a mesmerizing voice and the ability to put words in to a form that hits me right in the heart....this girl/woman just has something you don't find every day.  

I think this song has to be my absolute favorite. Why? Because I am so the opposite of socially adept. I don't deal with people all that well. I can't make small talk. I can't babble on endlessly about myself and my life. I have the attention span of a flea...which may be mistaken for a really good ability to listen....and I am painfully shy, to the point of preferring to just be at home with my beloved than out in public where there's even the possibility of being assaulted by the stares of others.  So, no, I can't keep up with all the social cues, the games people play, the back and forth and constant changing of minds, I can't do it and I don't respond well when forced to do it. 

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

Whatever I might have been, I've let go. I stare at my grandma's piano, sitting in the corner, holding up pictures and candleholders, and I know that I could make sound come out of it, but it's almost painful to do so....because then it would remind me of how weak I was and still am. THIS will not do. Whatever I am now, comes through my typed words and things made out of whatever....(like my current, decades-long, addiction to yarn and fabric and fashion...) Because those things don't care if I mess up...those things let me hit the delete key or rip out a row or a whole piece and they let me start over.  

With those things, I can breathe. There is still a magical fuck-ton of fear, mind you...but it's fear that I am willing to fight....because I know I don't have any other option. While my fear isn't crippling, it's not a full-blown phobia, it's enough to keep me motivated to make sure I won't have to go back out amongst other humans and make like I'm part of society. 

There's not really any wake up call today...just more realization about who I really am. You learn something new every day, right?  

Full lyrics here: 

and here: 

and here: 

19 September 2013

Buy Your Second Guesses From Heisenberg

Clearly, I cannot get away from this song......

I haven't even had anything profound to discuss since last Sunday and yet, the song keeps dinging me. I was sitting here, innocently enough, working yesterday. My husband always turns on my radio alarm when he shuts his beeper alarm off each day. I, then, always forget to shut it off and proceed to be lifted out of my seat when it turns on at 4:30 p.m. by the very loud sounds of the local "rock" (term used very, very loosely) station. Same thing occurred yesterday, and at exactly the same time that the alarm started, this very song was starting...I mean JUST starting...there it was.  Freaky, probably only to me, but still....freaky.  

I think it applied yesterday because I've been working, like a damned fool, to try to accomplish my writing work and goals....I was stressed because I was NOT getting things done at the speed I though I SHOULD be getting things done....stress.  So yeah, I wish....I wish that this life was just a fantasy....but instead, it's just reality.  And reality, sometimes, definitely bites.  

Then, this morning, I saw this......

Which, NOW, of course, makes perfect sense.  NOW, after stressing and "reacting" to my fears yesterday....today, I can take a step back and "respond" instead, right?  I handle a lot of things internally, inside the dusty cavern where my brain cell lives.....why?  

  • Fear
  • Fear
  • More Fear
  • Fear
  • Confusion
  • Fear

Fear of rejection, fear of reprimand, fear of looking like an idiot, fear of being left behind...all these things control my inability to just open my mouth.  Instead, I ingest whatever comes along, and I chew on it internally, then I panic, also internally, and plan, internally...and then DO something, anything, everything I can to make sure that things will be alright, even if alright is just in the moment.  

I feel like most everything negative that happens is my fault....on a personal level.  (I'm not so insane, yet, as to think that my existence is the cause of war and famine, but give me time...I'll get to it.)  I am the Queen of Second Guessing every decision, every word, every sentence and every action I did, do, and will do. 

But this is about responding instead of reacting right?  So, I have to train my brain cell to RESPOND accordingly.  I can't go back and fix my mistakes, I can only do what I can do NOW to make things right, to make things better, to keep things balanced. If I was 100% certain that my mistakes, my faults, my shortcomings and my flaws wouldn't come flying back in my face, it would be easier to share things out loud. Instead, I just try to keep things mellow, peaceful, and to make those that I love happy and NOT pissed off at me. NOT hating me. NOT loathing me. NOT being disgusted by me....all very terrifying to me.  

I hate fear. I wish there was a pill to buy from that man in white that would take away fear....like taking away "Restless Leg Syndrome" or "Erectile Dysfunction"...(which I cannot ever have, thankfully...)..just a simple Anti-Fear pill...that would be nice. That would make me smile.  

On a very complete aside, I would LOVE to hear Bryan Cranston's response to this idea....

THAT would be awesome. And a WAY better ending to an EXCEPTIONAL, PHENOMENAL show (that shouldn't be ending yet.....) than this ending: 

15 September 2013

The Bohemian Seas of Fanta

Throwbacks. That's apparently what today is all about. It's Sunday, there's football (whether there are throwback jerseys being worn this year or not is beyond me...) and there is a ton of throwback music playing on my Beloved's Pandora station in the living room.  Then, of course, scrolling through FB, first I saw this......

and then I saw this a few posts down......

What are the chances?  Coincidence?  I think probably NOT.  

Especially when the likes of this....

and this.....

on Pandora....

How can you not be thrown back to a simpler time? A time when, for some of us, there were not all these distractions, brought to you by this here vehicle for the thoughts, ideas, dreams, nightmares and other assorted ramblings of anyone with access to the Internets. 

Books were still hold-able, tangible, solid objects that you could read or throw on a whim. No duck faces, no selfies, no reality TV. No no iPads, no smartphones, no laptops.....pretty much a lot of nothing (at least where we grew up)....yet.  Oh, it was in development, of course, but it had yet to reach us.  

There was this...

And, as the meme so aptly charges, there was indeed THIS: 

Perhaps it's time to get rid of all the hurking, twerking and general jerking off of which we've become so accustomed. Time to get back to the things that will EXPAND minds and horizons instead of shrinking them. And yes, I fully realize the irony of the above brought to you by the fact that I found the inspiration on FB, but be it known, it's not the only thing I am doing today. Not by a long shot.  

Life is NOT just a fantasy, it IS reality and it is a reality of our own making, nothing more, and definitely nothing less. 

14 September 2013

Boom Boom Fear

The Universe is strange. I was thinking about fear yesterday....and how it was trying to sneak into my brain and coil around my current burst of "I CAN DO THIS". Fear of the unknown. Fear of failing. Fear of losing everything. All of it designed just to keep me still and silent and NOT moving forward.....and naturally this popped in my head...

There's always something unseen, waiting to take it all away, in my brain. that's what fear does. It gnaws at you, and slowing, but surely erodes your sense of accomplishment, sense of safety. I guess instead of letting it stifle me, I need to let it MOTIVATE me.

I think, however, that the real wake up call for me was the fact that at the same time I was here, hearing that song in my head, my beloved was at work, driving around the city in the big truck and listening to it...and SINGING it for all, in traffic, to enjoy. It's why I love him...his love of music. Well, PART of why I love him, but to see the amount of joy it brings him makes me happy.  

Meanwhile, back at the farm.....my husband loves me. Even when fear tells me I should be scared of losing him...he loves me regardless.  He brought me a work-at-home care package last night.....full of sweet things like: 

and this....

and this.....

All that, so I can smell wonderful aromas of milk, honey, berry cobbler and coffee while listening to music that makes me want to MOVE forward instead of sitting still, being afraid. I mean, just listen to this and how can you NOT want to move?

Video stupid? Yes, but still.....you wanna see stupid, watch me try to dance when I play this:

I totally digress.  Back to my beloved:  He is a saint among men. A true blessing to me, and I know that I probably can't ever show it enough. I just hope he knows it.  Think I'm done babbling for today. What is a blessing to you? Show me your alive....say something. :)  

12 September 2013

Boiling Down the Soul

Who knew that this.....

So ANYONE can live FREE in this country......

Would invoke the wrath of all Hades.....

You couldn't be, you couldn't be me even if you wanted to,

Everything I've been through. You wouldn't know...

You’re all talk but your words are empty 
The big shot you pretend to be 
You’re all talk but your words are empty 
My middle finger is all you get from me 

Fuck You, I Won't Do What You Tell Me..........

And, in turn, cause me to use all my middle digits, the mental and the physical.  

How many people ever read or listen or watch something all the way through before they jump to conclusions. How many people can be somewhat in your presence day after day, read only certain things, ignore others, and proceed to show utter contempt and hatred because they are not fully informed?  

Take any of these things at face value only and you can come up with all sorts of assumptions.  Instead, I have gleaned from each one exactly the words that resonate with me. I don't agree with every single thing said by every single person ever, but some points do resonate. Strongly.  

I'm not a purveyor of hatred, by any means. I'm also not selective in my hate of humans. I don't discriminate. There's no religion, there's no skin color, no political stance...there either IS or there is NOT a soul inside all of us that drives us to make the choices we do. It all boils down to the soul. 

Not just me, but anyone....anyone you come in contact with, anyone you see or read on a regular basis...take a moment to get to actually know them. Ask them questions. Listen to them. HEAR them. SEE things through their eyes for a second. Sure, it's easier and a metric millifuckingsecond quicker to see the mask...but it's what is BEHIND the mask that really matters.  Don't just fly off and preach and demand and order them to see things ONLY as you see them. When you think about it, that's really how this planet got to be as twisted and screwed up as it has become.

11 September 2013

Enough Said.

From here
no lines are drawn
From here
no lands are owned
13,000 and Holding
Swallowed in the purring
of her Engines
tracking the Beacon here
"Is there a Signal
there on the other side"
On the other side?
What do you mean side of what things?

and you said
and you did
and you said
you would find me here
and you said
you would find me
even in Death
and you said
and you said
You'd find me

But I can't see New York
As I'm circling down
through white cloud
Falling out and I know
his lips are warm
but I can't seem to find
my way out
my way out
of this hunting ground

From here
crystal meth
In metres of millions
In the end all we have,
soul blueprint.
and did we get lost in it
do we conduct a search for this
"from the other side"
From the other side?
What do they mean
side of what things...

and you said
and you did
and you said
you would find me here
and you said
you would find me
even in Death
and you said
and you said
You'd find me

But I can't see New York
As I'm circling down
through white cloud
Falling out and I know
his lips are warm
but I can't seem to find
my way out
my way out

I can't see New York
'cause I'm circling down
through white cloud
and I'm falling out and
I know your lips are warm
but I can't seem to find
my way out
my way out
of your hunting ground

you again
It's you again
I can't see
I can't see New York
I can't see
I can't see New York
from the other side
I Hum from the other side

10 September 2013

Middle of Somewhere

Middle of the day thought (wake up call, yeah, it is)....

You have a brain. USE it.

I'm doing that. Starting yesterday and forever more, I'm done sitting stagnant. I may not come up with mind-blowing, earth-shattering revelations, but whatever I do, it is moving me forward.  

And now....just to toot my own damned horn for a second, allow me to show you what I've been working on:

It goes with this link: 

I have this total adoration of fresh flowers, those which typically aren't roses.....herbs, and other plants.  I also love to piddle around with Photoshop. I'm self taught and still can't accomplish alot, but I can toy with colors and overlays and what not and so far, I think I've created a collection that's worth a look. (Feel free to pin them and share them elsewhere, too, if you like them!!)  

I have squashed and hidden and otherwise silenced my creativity for far too long. 

In the meantime, listen to this...it might be incorporated into the only tattoo I ever get....

We huddled in the derelict building
The gypsy girl and I
We made our bed together
With the rain and tears in our eyes

And who will be the one
To say it was no good what we done

I dare anyone, dare anyone to say we were too young
We were only trying for the sun

Mirror, mirror in the sky
Won't you look what's happening here below
No one knows what's going on
Can you give us a sign where to go

And who will be the one
To say it was no good what we done
I dare anyone, dare anyone to say we were too young
We were only trying for the sun

Drive Home

Sometimes the wake up call has no score. 

For those of us who were not born with any sort of infirmities, there is just really no excuse for stagnancy. 
I get tired of being scared, of not trying, of fearing rejection and failure. Seeing this makes me realize that, quite frankly, I've been severely stupid for a frightfully long time. 

I see this and I know that anything.....ANYTHING.....is possible. 

All it takes is me, moving forward. Dream it. See it. Think it. Do. It. 

09 September 2013

Six Degrees of Bruno Mars

So  my Monday morning, A.C. (After Coffee) starts with this...in my email.  If you're a knitter, or a beginning knitter, I highly recommend this woman. She just rocks.  However, at 6:30 AM, I'm so not ready to watch technical info. 

So of course, I look down at the bottom of my email....where Youtube tells me that I might also like this. Which, of course, I LOVE this....because these two gentleman scared the beJesus outta me during the Watching of Breaking Bad Festival.

Which in turn led me to this-something everyone should watch....

Then there is this, which, unless you're a fan of both Breaking Bad and The Office, won't do much for you....

That, for some reason, led me to think about seeing this clip on SNL this past weekend, after having a discussion about just how very annoying we find Mr. Mars to be.  Yet, this little shit has something. Take away all the commercial hype and hoopla, he's got this thing called talent. Something severely lacking in the music industry these days. 

Watching that skit then, of course, put this back on loop in my brain....

Maybe it would be important to mention that I have my own personal prison, locked inside my subconscious, a place that only shows up in dreams. It is truly the most bizarre, twisted, scary house, probably designed by Clive Barker and Stephen King in some alternate universe, that combines an old apartment in which I used to live with a house that has an endless amount of dusty, cob-webby rooms that twist and turn and hold an infinite amount of secrets and stories that I can never quite unearth. I wish I could draw it for you, but there is far too much going on in this mental prison to try to fit it on paper. 

What's it got to do with all this?  I don't know. It showed up last night (or this morning before waking) after a very lengthy and much appreciated hiatus. Perhaps the correlation is this: It all really does start with the face staring back at you in the mirror. Only you can unlock what your subconscious is keeping inside. Only you can choose something different. Something better. Only you have the power to share your talents. 

There is probably absolutely NO correlation between all six of these videos, save the SNL impersonation of Mr. Jackson.  I can't find anything that mentions Bruno Mars and knitting in the same sentence but then I do recall he had a dance with drugs a while back, so there's that...what with Breaking Bad and all the drug-related shenanigans. And yet, all I know is that it's Monday, and it starts with me. 

What starts with you today?  

07 September 2013

Flipped On The Turn

Without the soul of Spanish guitar, nothing in this world would make sense. Nothing. I am instantly drawn to it from the second I hear even the HINT of a note that sounds like it will curl and twist and twirl around my brain. 

Without having heard this from a dear, sweet daughter-friend, I probably would never have found it.....

It may be one of the most beautiful videos I've ever seen.  Watch the women. Watch the dresses. Most importantly, watch the hands. I have never followed Flamenco dancing and I know just about zero about it, but to watch these women make all these exquisitely graceful movements is just a thing of beauty. I don't really understand the lyrics but the melody combined with the choreography, costuming and that amazing black flamenco gown painting the floor with elegant swirls just blows me away. 

Meet the artist:  Carss66

Perhaps there is some part of me that is of Spanish descent. I don't know all that much about my genetic make-up.....being adopted will do that to you.  I know my birth mother, who is for the most part Irish, but most of me, especially when I was younger, looked either Spanish, Italian, Greek or some other sort of heritage. Dark, near black eyes, dark lashes, dark brows, and dark skin when I was out in the sun all the time.  These days, I avoid the sun, so I'm fairly pasty. Even today, when I meet Mexican, Spanish, or other Latin-oriented people they ask me if I am the same. 

A strong penchant for all things Southwestern Arizona, Spanish architecture, Benicio Del Toro, salsa, and a definitive adoration of all things Spanish guitar would lead one to at least guess that there's some sort of Spanish blood running around in my veins.  

When I was very young, I got my very own Flamenco doll when we went to Arizona. I held on to her for years. She went everywhere I went. Then one day, she got tucked away in a storage barrel and I don't know where she is now. She probably looked similar to the lady in red....I remember vividly the ruffles, the darker skin and the black lace. I, however, blatantly digress......

The music of Gustavo Santaolalla absolutely blew me away the first time I heard it, in the lovely film, "The Insider". I bough the CD, Ronrocco and used it to help me fall asleep many a night. 

And finally, there is this.....

I think it would suffice to say that there was no real wake up call today, just me thinking about Boy With A Coin and connecting all the dots of my love for Spanish guitar. Sometimes, there is no message, sometimes, it's just about finding the beautiful things in life and simply enjoying them.  

06 September 2013

This Is Ourselves

So yesterday would have been Mr. Mercury's 67th birthday. I heard his voice before I ever laid eyes on him. For years. The sheltered child doesn't get a lot of exposure to the outside, secular world, growing up in a devoutly Christian household. What can I say?  

Well, what I can say is that having heard Queen numerous times, it opened my mind to new musical possibilities and allowed me to explore other genres I may not have found otherwise. The clear, crystal voice, the operatic tendencies, the harmonies, made me want more. All inside the confines of the echoing cavern otherwise known as my skull. 

The outside world loomed larger, I suppose. It squashed me down....Not it, perhaps, but them. Parents. Trying ever so diligently to mold me into something I never was nor ever will be. Reminiscent of yesterday's song, I was constantly "Under Pressure" to live up to everyone else's expectations and was never truly allowed to develop my own expectations. 

Life went on, obviously. I'm not sitting here try to whine and gain pity about a less-than-perfect childhood. Just exploring the reasons for who I am and how I am today.  I suppose I would liken it to being a prisoner for decades, a prisoner who one day is released or breaks free, and then doesn't know what to do. When I look back, all I see is a constant failure of other people, failing to do what they thought I should do. Under pressure. Under immense protest.  

Now, all these years later, I can feel the sun on my face and the breeze in my hair and sometimes, all I want to do is go back and hide.  But, I can't and I won't.  Failure is not an option. It's not even up for discussion. No matter what happened to us as tiny humans, what we do NOW is solely up to us. Each of us has the power inside of us to choose a different direction. A different mindset. Different motivations. 

Yesterday, on Mr. Mercury's birthday, I was placing myself under a tremendous amount of pressure....blanketed in anxiety. Doubting myself at every turn. Panic. Disgust. Fear. I did the only thing I knew to do, and I reached, nay, screamed out to my beloved friend who is far too far away, because I knew she would listen and understand. She doesn't know how much she helped me. Helped me to realize that I was being silly.....helped me get back up on that..... 

And now, some 24 hours later, this FLAT (rather than FAT) Bottomed woman is back up on her bicycle and moving forward. I leave you with the best opening harmony ever.  

05 September 2013

Biting Tongues and Rocking Boats

I can't begin to tell you why, but 'You're gonna hear me ROAR' was on loop in my brain cell a few moments ago. Probably some snippet used on the vapid morning fluff show, since they can only reference pop music.

Regardless of how it got there, this is truly what defined me in the past: 

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
scared to rock the boat and make a mess
so I sat quietly, agree politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me passed the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

And though this somewhat catchy melody is full of washed up colloquialisms, the fact remains that once you WAKE UP, people will begin to hear you roar.  There comes a point when you stop sitting idly by and start to stand up for yourself. 

And then, because this is how the Universe deals with me, I saw this off on the sidebar.  

Absolutely not my kind of music, in no way, shape or form, and yet I got to the 00:45 mark and saw this: 

I have definitely had my share of things I want to completely erase from my mind. And I have most definitely made a point of constantly trying to forget them. I have torn things to shreds, written things down in more than one notebook and then set fire to it all, in the hopes of making all the bad dissipate with the blackened smoke. 

However, I learned through trial and a plethora of error, that you can't make a point of forgetting, you just have TO forget.  You have to let go. You have to release it from your brain and let it float up and away like a runaway balloon. Otherwise, it will consume you to the point of insanity. If what you're trying to forget starts to define your very reason for waking up, you won't be able to focus on forward motion, ever.  

So, for all those things that held me down, pushed me past my own breaking points, and made me want to forget my own existence, I have to let them all go so that I can roar.  

As so astutely stated by the late Jeanne Cooper's character Katherine Chancellor.....

Live, until you die.  

LIVE until you DIE.  


04 September 2013

Hail Mary

All I know is that I do not have one single clue as to why, but this was exactly what I heard upon waking today.

I do recall in years gone by how all I could think, whenever I heard The Offspring, was that this guy looked an awful lot like this guy...

(Jake Busey, in case you didn't know...)

It's not a happy song. It's about losing a loved one. Maybe it's just a random relapse in to the past, my brain rummaging around through the memory drawers and finding some wrinkly scrap of song stuck in the back..

I love Fall.  Or "AUTUMN" as the THEYS on the morning news want us to call it so it won't bring on a bout of S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder or I Need Another Excuse for My Shitty Mood Disorder-which would be too long to make into an acronym).....which in these parts, we just call WINTER. Obviously, I digressed. 

Still, I love FALL.  Right up to the point where everything dies, winds start blowing and everything turns the dead colors of grayish brown and around here gold to dead gold from the decaying stubble left in the corn fields. Yuck.  

Maybe it's because I am a yarn freak and I can knit more of these...

or these

Or maybe it's because most of my best childhood memories happened in the fall, a chance of a new beginning at school (which never ended well), Halloween, and just the way the air feels. It's just different. Like the difference between breathing Ohio air and Arizona air, worlds apart.  

Over the years, some fairly shitty things have happened during this, my beloved time of the year...things that have taken me a while to get over, things which I have worked hard to stop associating with Fall, so that I can go on loving this time of year. The feelings of loss or near loss are always there, but they are stored away and kept just as reminders to appreciate what I have and to never forget that existence, as we know it, is very fleeting.  

Heaven doesn't have to be so very far away. You can make it heavenly or you can make it hellish, this life. The choice is, invariably, up to you.  For now, I choose heaven, with my beloved, surrounded by our beloved fuzzy children of assorted species and baskets full of yarn, also invariably....football.

03 September 2013

War of Words

I typically try not to wax political, as, frankly, even thinking about all of it gives me a splitting headache.  This woman's video, however, was one of the first things I saw this morning.  I don't agree with it, probably not by 10 long shots, mainly because my feeling is "Did you just get here?  You are unfamiliar with our former presidents and elected officials?" Our entire country is built on bullshit, so really, how is any lie spewed out now anything new and shocking to you?  

I got about 4 minutes into it....then gave up....and then this instantly dinged at my brain....

Why? Mainly because it's an angry tune, chalk full of racial and homophobic slurs.....written by someone who lived in the part of the country where we do.....small town mindsets and what not.  And before you assume as much, no I do NOT agree with the hate speech. But, I can relate to the frustration. It's the same frustration I feel daily when I fully think about how powerless we are to stop all the Lies. Which, ironically or not, is the title of the album from which this song came. 

Instead of focusing on current, illogical events, I think what I need to say is that hate comes in many forms, just as hope does. I know, personally, that I am not comfortable speaking or even thinking in terms of derogatory racial or homophobic slurs. I don't even want to list them because in doing so, I feel like I would be condoning the existence and usage of such words. This is not because I was raised in a peace and love and flowery household. I wasn't. My parents and grandparents were closeted in their racism.  They wanted everyone neatly categorized, compartmentalized and separated. They didn't use ugly terminology, but you could see their disdain on their faces. Frankly, to me, it's a touch uglier than just an outright mouth vomit of hate speech. It's more insidious. More passive aggressive.  It was always the Us's and the Them's.  

I fought it as much as I could at that age. I rebelled. Then I went on to grow up and make my own choices about who I wanted to be around and associate with, regardless of my family's opinions. You have to see the bigger picture. It's not about skin color or nationality.....it's about what's inside...and if there's nothing but hate and disgust and negativity in the soul, there won't be much more than that coming out.  You get what you give. Singularly and collectively. 

Two ends cannot meet in the middle unless they work together....

More later, perhaps.  

02 September 2013

Periodic, Psychotropic Pauses

Sometimes, it's just eerie how life shows you things in the present, but it takes you years, decades even to see the signs or make the connections. Periodic tables, skylines, Brooklyn, even blood type, all relative, all related in a single moment. 

No matter the reasoning, the timing of the release of this beloved album (1999) kind of makes you wonder what people see about the future. I had to look about five times, and get out our original version of the album artwork, and though you can't see them, the towers still stand, just very hidden in the green fog, yet the rubble in the foreground, just a hint....who knows. Regardless, this albums stands as one of my all-time favorites. Not a happy grouping of songs, but still, it makes for very excellent, very loud driving music!  

Which brings me to this shot....similar position to the WCD cover shot, THIS was the shot that graced a poster that graced the wall of my bedroom during my adolescent obsession with New York City. Don't ask me why...I don't know.....but all I ever dreamed of was escaping Ohio to this magical place. I can't find the original poster, but I remember that it was printed in several dark blue and purple tones...which of course coordinated with my very purple obsession with Prince.  

The only remaining proof that I was clearly fanatical as a young woman....and painted my bedroom accordingly...

Which brings me to my one 'real' trip to New York City in the Spring of 1984. The world was still ok, because I was still young, stupid, and full of hope. Coming from small town Ohio, you have to realize what a complete and utter culture shock it is to be transported from a life of sheer and exhausting boredom to Manhattan. There were street vendors, theaters, lights, CATS, gay people, straight people, people with mohawks and middle fingers held high in the sky, there was the Statue of Liberty, buried beneath a mountain of scaffolding, but just as glorious as ever....and there was the World Trade Center.  I don't think anything ever shut me up as swiftly as standing at the bottom of those buildings and looking straight up.  

Who knew then what was even coming.  And who, indeed, will save the sane?  

01 September 2013

Without Wings

Some wake up calls actually DO happen when I wake up....or they wake me up. Either way, this was so on loop inside my brain-cell this morning. Bright and way too early. You're welcome for getting it stuck in your head now, as well.  

At first, I thought that it must be some sort of homage to the 80's today, after flipping on to Yahoo and seeing and article about the resurgence of Kelly LeBrock (all the news that late and broken, right?) but then, it hit me when I was perusing my FB feed and came across this brilliant piece of work...

Brought to you by Zenos Frudakis, it's the epitome of being able to ROAM around the world, once you've broken free of whatever confines you.  

Having watched all of the completed Breaking Bad series (and now, ever so impatiently waiting for the day when we can watch it to completion once Season Six is released.....I thought out loud about the reasons why I can't ever seem to create such awe-inspiring, gut-wrenching, stomachache-producing works. And then (signs, signs, everywhere there's signs)...in a complete and very astute answer to that question, my beloved found this: 

There you have it. Get up, get out in the real world (ROAM, if you want to) and kick fear in the dental work. Doesn't matter how long you've been chained to your chair, it's up to you (and most definitely, me) to just get up.