21 June 2013

And The Movie Never Ends

Don't stop. 



(Side note:  While I don't like hip-hugger waistlines...I'm certainly glad they stopped making nipple-high waist lines on the blue jeans. :D)  

Today is not such a good day...on the brain front, anyway.  I must remember to NEVER mention out loud that I'm working on developing self confidence...and self worth.  Because, most certainly and without any doubt whatsoever, the Universe will come along and bitch-slap me back to reality and toss a pop quiz at me. 

Grade:  D+ (+ for a little bit of effort to crawl back out of my hole).  

I get sucked into a vicious cycle of thought that goes something like this: 

  • You are better than what they think you are
  • You suck
  • They're right
  • What are you thinking, thinking you can make any sort of difference? 
  • You suck bad
  • Righteous indignation at the thought of anyone questioning my worth...
  • Why did I bother even THINKING I could be different. Better, even?  Pfffffffft. 
And it goes on and on and on and on. 

Journey held me together in my earlier, more formative years....that, and it made playing the piano fun.  Yeah, the song is commercial as FUCK but it's the words that matter: 

Don't stop believin' 
hold on to that feeling.....

So there was a snag today. So fucking what. It's a snag. Only a snag and it doesn't mean the end of the world or the end of me or even the end of me trying to become what I always wanted to become.  As Leonardo said:  

No matter what...I said it years ago...I choose ME.  Because if I don't stand up for myself, if I don't fight for myself, noone else is going to step up to that plate. Dr. Phil is famous for saying "you teach people how to treat you"....I think that's utter bullshit. People have their own agendas, their own reasoning, their own personalities, whether you try to show them how you want to be treated or not.  You can scream til you're blue in someone else's face, and it won't change how they treat you ONE I-O-TA.  Not one.  Nyet. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch.  

Yes, I am a slow learner. Yes, I have made countless mistakes. Yes, I will make more mistakes. I am human. I am, however, better than others' negative opinions of me. If they only knew. If they only could see inside my heart and my mind, they might just understand and THEN maybe they would learn.  

Until that day comes, I will not stop believing. In me. 

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