29 June 2013

Back Down on the Ground

I came in this world alone
I'll go out the same way, right?  

It's a fucked up thing when you can see a wreck happening and do nothing to stop it. Don't ever tell someone you're feeling alone. You'll just get more of the same. 

What am I hanging on to? Won't be up to the me who cares, right?  

I don't know where anything is going. I've been told I chose to be lonely. I've been told that for a wordsmith, I suck at words. I guess it's true, then...if someone else believes it, it must be.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. No approach gets the right results. No matter of thinking or rewording or silence makes a difference.  

Maybe I'm just stretching out my arms for something that's just not there.  

Flawed, I am. But deserving of mockery and degradation and silence?  Really?  

21 June 2013

And The Movie Never Ends

Don't stop. 



(Side note:  While I don't like hip-hugger waistlines...I'm certainly glad they stopped making nipple-high waist lines on the blue jeans. :D)  

Today is not such a good day...on the brain front, anyway.  I must remember to NEVER mention out loud that I'm working on developing self confidence...and self worth.  Because, most certainly and without any doubt whatsoever, the Universe will come along and bitch-slap me back to reality and toss a pop quiz at me. 

Grade:  D+ (+ for a little bit of effort to crawl back out of my hole).  

I get sucked into a vicious cycle of thought that goes something like this: 

  • You are better than what they think you are
  • You suck
  • They're right
  • What are you thinking, thinking you can make any sort of difference? 
  • You suck bad
  • Righteous indignation at the thought of anyone questioning my worth...
  • Why did I bother even THINKING I could be different. Better, even?  Pfffffffft. 
And it goes on and on and on and on. 

Journey held me together in my earlier, more formative years....that, and it made playing the piano fun.  Yeah, the song is commercial as FUCK but it's the words that matter: 

Don't stop believin' 
hold on to that feeling.....

So there was a snag today. So fucking what. It's a snag. Only a snag and it doesn't mean the end of the world or the end of me or even the end of me trying to become what I always wanted to become.  As Leonardo said:  

No matter what...I said it years ago...I choose ME.  Because if I don't stand up for myself, if I don't fight for myself, noone else is going to step up to that plate. Dr. Phil is famous for saying "you teach people how to treat you"....I think that's utter bullshit. People have their own agendas, their own reasoning, their own personalities, whether you try to show them how you want to be treated or not.  You can scream til you're blue in someone else's face, and it won't change how they treat you ONE I-O-TA.  Not one.  Nyet. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch.  

Yes, I am a slow learner. Yes, I have made countless mistakes. Yes, I will make more mistakes. I am human. I am, however, better than others' negative opinions of me. If they only knew. If they only could see inside my heart and my mind, they might just understand and THEN maybe they would learn.  

Until that day comes, I will not stop believing. In me. 

19 June 2013

Fade to Black, Mr. Soprano

All I can hear is this......

All is I can feel is crushed. I don't generally form a deep attachment to people I don't know, celebrities or no. But The Sopranos, and Mr. Gandolfini have held such a dear place in my heart for years.  I guess now we can understand the ending of the series, eh?  

Not going to jump on the SUCK UP bandwagon and start listing all the reasons why this is such a huge loss. Just going to leave you with this...one of the best mashups and best soundtrack songs from The Sopranos: 

13 June 2013

The Wheels Won't Break This Butterfly

So, when embarking upon a new endeavor, such as becoming self-employed once again, organization is KEY to a successful outcome.  So many things are getting into place, The house is clean (which is a feat in itself) and staying clean on a minute by minute basis. There are thousands of little projects that I tackle, about one at a time, every day...so as not to get overwhelmed and sucked into the abyss, but otherwise, things are lining up nicely.

In trying to formulate a workable schedule, however, the missing link, so far has been the tunes.  In the past, I relied on approximately three artists:

  • Corinne Bailey Ray
  • Lindsay Buckingham
  • Coldplay

In no particular order.  I cannot work with loud, raucous music. That, we save for driving. Keeps me from having road rage.  But, in the house, where I need to focus so as not to get distracted by baby whistle piglets, two dogs, five cats, and those thousands of side projects, I need relaxed, mellow, somewhat calm music in the backdrop.  Can't be too loud, but it can't be too soft either. 

At the moment, I am currently in search of Ms. Ray's first release: 

I think it's one of the most beautiful songs ever, situated on an album of beautiful sound. Something about her voice just soothes my soul. Not sure why, but it does.  

I've got Mr. Buckingham lying in wait.....

And Coldplay...never far from reach: 

But I've got some other stuff to add to the lineup...and it all sounds good on the living room surround sound. 

Stuff like: 




(Don't know that there is a sadder tune out there, but it's just gorgeous) 

and for a complete change of pace....

See, I like to set timers...and work in stints.  Because I have focus issues. In any given day, I am want to sit still without doing nothing, well, like, ever. I can't. Even if I'm "watching" tv, I'm not just doing that...I'm either eating lunch or knitting or crocheting or doing laundry or planning or, yeah.  

This is the part of my old job that I miss...there was NEVER and I DO MEAN NEVER a lack of things to do.  I was busy from the moment I clocked in til I walked out.  Thing is, people got in the way. People who couldn't get past their need for negativity, control and drama. I won't have that. I won't have that in my life anymore. I just won't. It's enough already.  So here I am.  And this time, it is for REAL. It is for KEEPS and it is going to be better than ever before.  

My wings are not broken. I am growing new ones. Period.  

10 June 2013

Above Us Only Sky

Imagine if you were this guy.....

Imagine if the following lyric made perfect sense to everyone who ever heard it.....

Gently borrowed from: 

I don't know about you, but nothing is wrong in my world...a world where I am breathing, alive, not murdered in cold blood, relatively healthy, with all my senses and extremities intact. In FACT, having a moment to think whilst standing in the checkout line, the viewing of this particular picture this morning.....

reminded me about practicing patience....(even though I was guesstimating approximately how long it would take to scan, bag, cart up and pay for my items and make it to the door.)  Sorry I don't have actual credits for the glorious eye drawing above.....found it on a random read-by excursion on FB. No credits given there.) 

And it's utterly astounding to me that the discovery of one very elusive tool can also bring forth tremendous change in thought patterns.  I haven't been able to move forward with anything requiring measurement for quite some time now because all of our measuring apparati seemed to have sprouted legs and walked off into  assorted sunsets. Until last night....after asking my beloved if he had seen any of them lately....and he found this one out in the garden shed. 


Now I'm all like "Look out bitches, I'm about to measure shit".  :D  

Then the most profound of thoughts flew through my mind....
Isn't it crazy how so many things in life cannot begin without measurement of some sort.  Time, weight, height, length, duration, days, weeks, inches, millimeters, cups, spoons, etc., etc.? 
 Or maybe it's just easier to procrastinate when you don't have a unit of measurement or the tools with which to find that unit. I mean, if I don't have a cloth measuring tape, I can't take my own measurements and therefore just cannot begin to embark on any sort of meaningful endeavor to lose certain parts of me.  If you don't have a clock, then how can you be expected to keep an appointment?  If you don't have measuring cups and you've never baked before, how can you make a cake just by guessing how much flour and sugar you're pouring into to bowl?  See, we rely heavily (pun intended) on measurement.

Now that I'm out here on my own (employment-wise), I have to create my own measurements for getting shit done. I can no longer rely on a time clock or any production planners or a boss to get me motivated to do my stuff.  I am my boss.  Me. That's it.  So, in the next week or so, I'm getting organized, set up and ready to make serious headway into my new (old, but new again) career.  Also, I am continuing to recreate myself as a wife and a ''homemaker'' (GOD, I HATE THAT WORD).....ok, so maybe 'undomesticated goddess' would better suit me.

Getting your shit together. Getting organized. Straightening up all the assorted messes in your life.  These are all good things.  Do one or several.

Live for today.


07 June 2013

Getting Shit Started

So it's a Peas sort of week. Deal. It's more the rhythm and Fergie than any lyrical profundity. 

This first week of freedom has been revolutionary for me. I'm becoming the person I have wanted and needed to be for quite some time.  Yeah, I'm a slow learner, what of it?  There comes a time when you just have to do shit. Get shit done. Start it. Be it. Think it. Act on it. Fate or the universe stepped in maybe, which explains why I walked away from a job that was slowly, but indeed draining my soul on the first day of the month.  

Why fight the losing battle of being a peon in a major retail corporation when I can leave, start over and fight a good fight or five doing things that actually matter?  And so, during this first week of reinvention, I have begun changing habits, mostly of the cleaning/organization kind. See, I've been a rather shoddy housekeeper for  most of my natural, breathing life. I always just chalked it up to genetics because I certainly did NOT take after my mother when it comes to house work.  To me, the norm was letting it stack up and THEN taking care of it, with a cursory sweeping, wiping of counters and doing dishes on a more regular basis.  

I'm not trying to do everything all at once.  Hell the first day, I felt like I was on top of the world because I took out all the burnable paper items that we'd been stocking up on since winter. And I burned them. Baby steps, right?  Next, I cleaned the kitchen sinks and shined them and have kept them clean all week, and intend to keep doing so.  It takes 21 days or so to form a habit.  This is Day 7. One-third of the way there!  Laundry is completely done, with only one basket left to fold. Normally, I would've let that stack up too.  Now, it's a load a day, no matter what.  

Then today, I found this: 

How very apropos, eh?  (I think that's the proper spelling of this word, but whatever, it sounds right in my head). 

There is a magical metric fuckton of things that I want and need to do around here.  It's been a long time, and I've let shit go...and I want to get shit done before we end up on an episode of Hoarders. Eww.  Not THAT bad, but there are TWO areas on the property that have true hoard-like potential. This will soon change. 

Alongside the whole renovation of my housekeeping mindset, I'm going to do something more productive with my time, this time around.  Volunteer work.  Getting out of the house. Meeting people. Making a valid difference in the life of at least one person. Don't get me wrong. I do DO things for people...I just never really make mention of things because truly I don't think it's any big deal.  But, this time, it's going to be on a more official basis, by joining up with any official organizations that I find that touch me. I started thinking about this before I left the job.....mainly because I saw a video on Upworthy's FB page about ending homelessness. Second only to saving animals from abuse, neglect and abandonment, homelessness touches me. Til now, though, I've felt utterly powerless.  I'm only one person, what could I possibly do?  Well, I guess we'll find out.  

Meanwhile, check out my sparkly clean, shiny and highly organized refrigerator, bitches. :D  

Get started. Get stupid. 
Step by step like an infant, new kid
Inch by inch with a new solution

06 June 2013

Imma Be Better

Not entirely sure why, but the chorus from this is running on constant loop in my brain cell at the moment.  Probably a hint that I should break out my copy of The Black Eyed Peas Experience and get my backside in gear again.  

In all seriousness, though, I really am blessed. 

Without my beloved, I wouldn't be able to know what it was like to get to remove a huge stressor from our lives. It's amazing just how very much stress affects physical and mental health. 
  • The teeth grinding/biting down that was causing a tremendous amount of mouth pain?  Gone...and it's only been 6 days. 
  • The constant, gnawing headaches which had me taking well over 10 Advil a day? Gone. 
  • Energy levels which had disappeared into the abyss?  Slowly but surely returning. 
  • Sleep, which had been eluding me during the normal sleepy-time hours? Returned. I can now go to bed and stay there, asleep, for more than 6 hours at a time! 
  • Depression and anxiety? Gone. Medication for said mood messer-uppers? Also gone. 
And no, I'm not sitting around scarfing down bon bons....(though I do still watch my one and only soap during my predetermined lunch hour)....I'm doing things. Being productive.

In case you're wondering what exactly caused so much stress? It was a job....a job, itself, that I loved, surrounded by people whom I did not. People that made it impossible to have a stress-free day...people that made it impossible to keep seeing things in a positive light.  No, I can't blame THEM for my responses TO them, because all in all, it was up to me to control how I chose to handle the constant negativity, lying and backstabbing. 

Instead of choosing to continue fighting a very losing battle, I chose me. See, I was starting to move in a direction of 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em' and 'when in Rome, do as the Romans' and I DETESTED that I was so weak that I would give in to it. But I did...and I had to get away from it.  

I have seen the Bigger Picture and it is this....me, utilizing my brain for writing, and for greater causes such as helping animals, namely Pit Bulls....inspired by people like these: 

And, in my spare time, taking on the monumental task of learning to be a better wife. Inspired mainly by my lovely sister-in-law, who just has it together and by people like this: 

Sometimes, you discover things, not because you need them in THAT moment, but because they will come in particularly handy at a later date.  Now is that time. I've got the time and the urge, and so I will get way better at doing what I am supposed to do.  

I guess, what it really boils down to is this:  

If your life is full of negativity, stress, phsyical ailments (headaches, high blood pressure, anxiety, constant anger, etc.), take a step back and review.  Look at the contributors to all these things and decide whether or not there is something that can be done to alleviate them.  No, it's not always possible to just leave a job and start over, hitting the ground running...but there are things that can be done.  

IF not now, when?