24 November 2013

Off the Floor

It's been a while. I know. Life and stuff. A lot has happened since we last spoke. Visiting hospitals then visiting musicians, obtaining unwanted health issues and yet getting to meet and mingle hair with more favorite musicians (more later....), creating things, getting pissed at things, writing things. Just a lot going on.  

It would seem that this song, however, has chosen itself to be my wake up call, and not just because of seeing them live...or listening to the album whenever I'm in the car....I think there's a message in there somewhere, probably right around the chorus....which is so very catchy, it's the first thing I hear when I wake up lately! 

You'll have to click to find out what this very important wake up call says!  Go on. Click it. Do it. You won't be sorry......

05 November 2013

Wheels Are Turning

Not sure why but this is on loop this morning:

Not really ready for today or tomorrow, but it's here regardless, so onward and upward right?  I was thinking a lot about death yesterday. Thinking that I don't know what the hell I think. Thinking about people and how they change over the years. Wondering how they got from one way of thinking to another. Wondering why, when people "find Jesus" they suddenly are shrouded in a cloak of "I'm now better and know much more than you" finery. Whatever. 

It's your loss if you shut people out of your life because they don't hold the same thoughts or beliefs as you. 

Imagine how different things would be had either of my parents ever asked me WHY I feel like I do. WHY I believe or don't believe in the things I do or don't believe in. I've watched them over the years, taking in complete strangers, like little projects to be crafted and molded and shaped into another soldier for "the Lord".....meanwhile, they never took the time to truly believe in me because I just would not bend to their will and their plans for my life. 

All journeys, ultimately, end at the same place though. So maybe I'll see them somewhere down the road when this time is over. I don't know. I just know that I refuse to live in fear and feel downtrodden and disheartened because I was born a ""sinner"". It doesn't take the blood of Christ or anyone else to make me whole or a good person. What it does take is the thoughts, the choices and the actions that help me learn and help me be the kind of person I want to be. They have really missed out over the years. Shoving me aside, back into the black sheep closet until the next Christmas rolls around.  

But whatever. That wheel in the sky. It keeps turning. 

03 November 2013


Yesterday I learned of the passing of a friend from years past. He had a busy life during his short time here on earth. I am certain he will be very sorely missed by those close to him. We were never best of friends, but drifted in and out of each other's lives regularly. There was never a dull moment with him. 

I can't tell you when we first met. He was just one of those people that just seemed to have always been there. I'm sure it was probably something church related, since we didn't go to the same school. He was a beast. He was a big man, even back then...probably well over 6'5. 

In the later years, after high school, his drumming took him down the path of music. He played with at least one bar band that I know of..."Tyrant" and always reminded me of Animal when he played. Same expression. During those years, when I so wanted to get into fashion, I will never forget making clothes for him. I made him a wicked vest, rocked out with all manner of brass and gold tack things. Cheesy as all hell, but it was befitting of the time. Those were just good times. 

After we drifted apart for the last time, he got into amateur wrestling. I think he was fairly good at it. I don't know anything about that part of his life though. Just amusing that he went from music to pro-ish wrestling. 

After that, apparently, he did a total turnaround and went off in an entirely new and unrelated direction. Religion. I was shocked, just a few years back, when I learned he was now a pastor of a church in the town where we grew up. Him? Religious? Whodda thunk? 

Though I don't agree with many of the things he came to believe in, I completely respect that he did what he felt he needed to do and he clearly had an impact on many people. 

With that in mind, I'll refrain from posting any of the covers he used to play or music we used to listen to back then, as it's not anything I think he would have been listening to in the more recent years. I just hope that wherever he has gone, he's in peace and he truly has found that for which he was looking. 

Rest in Peace, friend. 

02 November 2013

Shopping Carts and Holes in Hearts

I heard this yesterday, while shopping: 

Guess who sang out loud while shopping? Guess who didn't care? It took me right back....back to the days when everything was just a little bit simpler, much less complicated. 

A little over 20 years ago, my eyes met the eyes of this beautiful man-child as we passed in the hallway during a concert. We kept going our separate ways. About one month later, we happened upon each other yet again....at another concert. Back in the day when you could afford to go to a concert without taking out a fourth mortgage on your first born child. What made it click, for me, was that we both instantaneously remembered the other. He had the most beautiful eyes. Still does....just now shaded by his spectacles, but it is my one true joy in life to get to look deep into those eyes every night before we go to sleep. 

Today is our anniversary. 17 years of that "wedded bliss" stuff. We have beat the odds, set forth by people like my parents; people who thought we should never have been together and that we wouldn't last. To them, I give a firm and hearty: 

We've seen the ups, the downs, the rights, the wrongs and everything else and still we stick together. There's a closeness we have that is found with very few others. One thinks something and that thought comes directly out the other person's mouth. We have the same sick, twisted sense of humor. We both fear people, in most social settings. We just gel.

I truly never did know love until him. There will never be any other. I can't predict the future, but I know that I am 10,000% committed, attached, in love with and loving this man for the rest of my time on this giant orb called earth. Like a goose, I mate for life. He's stuck with me. Period. 

We've never had a lot....but my love...he does it good: 

He truly is the only one who holds the other key to me.  

Happy Anniversary, my love. <3 

01 November 2013

Loco Oficial

News of THIS: 

Make me THIS:  

Yeah, yeah, I know, I should be too old to worry about such nonsense, right?  NO!  Not right!  THIS is exactly what keeps me from aging and becoming Stepfordized to the point of glazed-staring, dull wittedness. 

It makes me scream, it makes me bounce, it makes me feel ALIVE.  THAT is what matters in life. Living like nothing else matters. Living by what YOU feel is right, not by the standards of others. 

This makes me want to dye my hair some shade of black and purple or blue, get some wickedly detailed tatts in equally wicked locations, wear nothing but black and just be. I really don't know what stops me. Maybe I shouldn't be stopped. I wonder what my husband would think.  

Back to the music. This is what gets my aggression, anger, and blinding hot rage out. This is the fuel that lights my fire. There's not much like it today. I'm just a happy, happy girl-woman today, knowing that they will be around just that much longer. 

That. Growl. Amen. 

24 October 2013

Dead Folks Sway

One haunting song. One exceptionally beautiful building. I would sit there for hours if I knew where it was. 

I am obsessed with the beauty of old, old churches and old cemeteries...the kind that possess the headstones and mausoleums that were and are truly works of art. They just don't make 'em like they used to. Now everything is all cookie-cutter bullshit, mass-manufactured for mass profit. Sucks. 

Art in architecture is dying. Grand houses that once held tons of love and family stand empty and rotting. Mausoleums are torn down, remains relocated to make way for more individual plots. Makes me think that cremation or at least a natural burial would be the better choice when I go. 

I can't imagine life without my beloved or my kids or my animals, so it's hard to think about not being here anymore. THEY are the beings that keep me moving forward. They are my sun, my moon, my stars, my air, my water. I'm not overly emotive when it comes to love, but that's how I feel, deep down in the locked and bricked up chamber of my heart and soul. 

As pissed as I may be about my dad and his cancer, I can't imagine how life will be when he's not here any more. I can't imagine what it will do to my mom. I don't want to imagine it, or even think about it, but there's no denying reality. Age and sickness take their toll on all of us at some point. 

There are more than two sides of lonely. 

22 October 2013

Fool Inside

I can't stand to let you in
I'm just watching you
And I don't know what to do

Silence abounds lately. Too many thoughts, too many feelings that I don't know what to do with. Distraction has been key. But all that results from that is a magical fuck-ton of rage. 

I have nowhere to go with this rage. It's just sitting inside of me, festering, simmering. 

There are so many elephants in the room that is my family that one can hardly move their lungs to breath. No one talks. No one says how they REALLY feel. No one addresses the real issues. If you do, you get shut down, hushed, or brushed off with the flick of an avoidance-laden wrist. 

God may be good. God may be great. But where is he now? Is this round of cancer going to be more of a blessing than the last one? Will you feel so very blessed and loved and special when you're alone? I don't think so, but I know you'll never admit it out loud. You'll be lost. There will be no one left to steer around. No one left to go fetch. No one left to listen and watch you as you destroy yourself. 

THAT is how I feel. It's ugly. I know it is. It hurts that I feel that way. But it is how it is..and it is what it is. 

But here I sit, in silence, not speaking unless spoken too, not seen unless it's a fucking holiday. Not heard. 

Doesn't matter what I think anyway. What really matters is what he thinks and how he chooses to deal with this newest cancerous "blessing". 

Another thing I think of, constantly: Who the FUCK gets cancer in the lymph nodes and then waits another THREE FUCKING WEEKS to have surgery to remove said nodes? WHO? WHY? 

Yet another thing I think of, almost as constantly: What if.  What if you'd gone ahead and did the radiation after they took away half your mouth? What if you'd suffered for that much longer and totally eradicated it then. Instead of "leaving it up to the Lord".  

Bitter much? Yes I am. 

If you have a family where everyone is closely knit, tight, and in touch with each other's true feelings, never, ever take it for granted.  There are those of us who get to care from the sidelines, and get ignored in person. Those of us who have cried silent tears, ached invisible aches and watched with envy as their parents doted on and spent more time with complete strangers. 

All because we never fit their mold, so we were passed over and they moved on to the next project. 

Good fucking luck with that. 

I'm pissed. I'm hurt. I'm terrified. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm down. I'm confused. I'm fucking angry. 

Maybe this is just one of those steps....like the steps in "addiction"....this is the anger phase.  Combined with the denial phase, but the anger is starting to foam up and boil to the surface. 

I really am feeling like a fool inside. 

15 October 2013

I Don't Feel A-Okay

Funny how things apply after the fact. 

I'm not celebrating nothing
And I certainly do NOT feel A-Okay. 

Today was a confirmation of bad news. Today sucks. 

Feeling completely and totally powerless sucks. 

Not knowing what to even do. Sucks. 

I want that medicine that makes me feel like a tall tree.  Not sure what that medicine is for you, but for me, it'd be a nice bag of morphine and an equally nice, comfy IV. 

Now when you break yourself down,
And go to this place.
You give yourself the reason,
To get off your case.
And when you break it down yeah,
And see through this shit.
You give yourself the reason,
To live through this.

I know, in time, I will break it all down and make some semblance of sense out of everything, but today is not that day. I don't pray. Praying does nothing. Praying is wasted oxygen. Praying is not being awake. I'm not saying that it should be that way for anyone other than me, I'm saying that it's how I feel and that would be that. 

Where's the bloody miracle now? What's miraculous is how people can think things are such a blessing, when in reality, it was just getting started. Just getting wound up. Just getting ready for round 2. 

Maybe I'll get myself a nice, cold, something other than beer, sit myself down and drink myself away for a bit. 

Where's that medicine? 

12 October 2013

My Way, Highway, Wrong Way, Right Way

Woke up with another raging head pain....and this looping around the brain cell. 

It's a very catchy melody....damn it...and the words are rather fitting for what's going on with our so-called government lately.....

and it feels like 
that your promises are omens
and it feels like 
that to push me is to shove me 
and it feels like 
that the only way is the wrong way 

Then, push all of the governmental bullshit aside, forget about it and think about what it takes to be this girl.

And she's (not) just the face for the struggles that women encounter across this muddied globe. I haven't had the chance to read the book yet, but I'll be ordering it soon, I think. You think I'm falling for all the hype? 

It's different. Yes, she's on the circuit promoting the book because that's how we do things here and probably elsewhere around the globe. But on a personal level, this is one of those times where normal people might ignore their intuition....might just pass it off and keep going...but for me, every time I see her, hear her speak, or read about her, I get chills. Not the bad kind, but the kind of chills that you get when you're in the presence of someone special. If I could see auras, I would imagine hers is bright and shining. I think she's sent from somewhere else in the Universe. An angel, for those of you that believe in that. For me, just a soul and a spirit that has so many things to teach us....and yet brings the weirdest, most offsetting sense of peace and calm. 

If you can get past the hype, the preconceived notions and all that, maybe........just maybe.........

SHE is the Universe's way of telling us all to WAKE UP. 

10 October 2013

Games Never Played

This was floating around in the cavity formerly known as my skull this morning....

The lyrics don't apply much at the moment, but they would....because I really wouldn't love again if I lost my beloved. I wouldn't pretend that anyone else would ever measure up.  Enough said. 

As for the video? I just really dig it.  The coloring, the woman in the center of the clock...the freeze frames and slo-mo with the billowing satin...just gorgeous. Kind of says that TIME will knock you on your ass if you don't pay attention. That, I can most certainly attest to.  

Time, wasted, spent, and otherwise squandered, is also going to knock not only our government, but our country on their collective ass, if something or someone doesn't give. At this point, I don't even care which side caves, because to know that, in the meantime, during this temper tantrum of astronomical proportions, the men and women who fight across the globe to keep this "country" safe are dying and then being told "Hey, guess what?  YOU get to foot the bill!!!"  Not only do they have to sacrifice their entire existence, they get to leave behind families who then get to pick up the pieces with no help from the entity for which the person died to begin with....and yet the whiny little elected officials continue to regale us with tales of woe about how THEY need their checks, too.  Puke.  Fuck that. And........Puke. 

Europe is sounding really, really attractive about now.  Canada, as my husband suggested, not so much. Entirely TOO FUCKING COLD there....would be like staying here.  Somewhere Mediterranean in nature...Greece, Sicily.....that'd be fairly sweet as well.  

There's corruption, greed, lying and bullshit, no matter where you go, so really, dreaming of leaving is pretty much senseless if the only reason is to get away with America's brand of bullshit.  You can dream. You can fight the good fight. You can stand up for what you know to be right and true...but in the end....

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know...

Life is ours, we live it our way

07 October 2013

Vampires for Congress

There are no songs that adequately portray how my head has felt for the past week. Not sure what's going on, but this incessant, droning, dull yet burning headache just needs to vanish.  In the meantime...

This always sums up how I feel about being a minor speck on the back of a microscopic bed bug crawling around on the head of a brand new fly, flying into the mouth of a phantasmal poison frog, whose toxins would, in the right formulation, certainly and swiftly KILL my headache.  Or, in the wrong combination, kill me.  

No matter what side of the politi-fence you sit on, you have to see, by now, just how stupid all of this shutdown really is, and just how much of a game it is, and just how far your own representatives will go in this incessant game of chicken, and just how very little the THEY's care about us, the people who got them (or so we think) where they are.  

And to those of you out there, who think it'd be cool to light yourself up?  

How about moving just a TOUCH closer to the Capitol buildings...like in the lobby? Now THAT would make a statement. Way more of a statement than going way down the street to light your match. Furthermore, WHY would you even THINK that such a thing would make any sort of difference? Lest you think I am serious about self immolation, STOP IT. I am not. That was sarcasm. 

It's going to take a magical, metric fuckton more than singular persons, who can be misconstrued as ""crazy"" to wake up the electeds or get them out of there and start over.  If they don't care about the people who worked for them day after day, or the people who keep our country "safe" (at least from SOME outside forces)...do you really think they care about the Kamikazes?  Try again. 

I am a little bit bitter. 

I am a little bit frustrated. 

And do you know how they keep us, as a complete society, complacent?  They issue forth shiny, colorful new iPhones to distract us.  Or twerking morons who can't keep their tongues inside their cranial cavities. They will do ANYTHING and I do mean ANYTHING no matter how grandiose or trivial, to maintain that smoke screen, so we never bother to stand up and fight for what is true, what is right and what is humane. 

So yeah.  

Happy Monday, eh?  

01 October 2013

Just. Wake. Up.

So much bullshit this week.  

A. Heisenberg is heisengone.  Suckage

B. The GOOBERment has decided it's easier to shut down than to fade away. 

C. Ok, there's no "C".  

So, I guess maybe there's not SO MUCH bullshit, but the combination of these two issues alone is enough to just really peeve me. In honor of the douche canoes floating around in DC whining, crying and stomping their tiny-minded little feet in a stupefying tantrum, I offer this suggestion...for BOTH SIDES:  

Just watch Fergie. She makes everything SEEM better.  

Yes she is my girlcrush. There you have it.  Happy Heisenberging. 

29 September 2013

Hard Whipped Cream Cider Rules

In honor of how I would be feeling and what I would be doing today, had I not consumed some combination of this:

and this: 

Even though it's not really Mrs. Murphy's favorite, it's still one of mine....and if I felt more human, this would get me in that righteously pissed off, 'I can do anything, I am woman, hear me roar' kind of mood. 

Then this would just make me want to throw the Black Eyed Pea Experience into the XBox and pretend that I could dance all over the living room rug.

and since it is so TOTALLY looking like a bleary, dreary, very autumnal day outside the confines of my kitchen, I would throw this in, pretend I was some 20 years younger and go dye my hair in the appropriate shade of black.  Don't get me wrong, I still dye my hair, black even, but I don't think I could fool myself into thinking like I look 20 years younger. Probably not even on a good day.!  

Let my suffering be a lesson. Flavored vodka and flavored, sugar-ridden hard ciders are, if nothing else, full of SUGAR.  A poison which sucks the will to move and function the next day.  I was all good and feeling warm and frisky last night. Today. not at all. Stick with the less sugary alcoholic beverages if you feel that you must imbibe. You'll thank me for it. 

Rock on. 

27 September 2013

Squeaky, Squeaky Wheels

Funny, funny how writing about lubricating garden tools brings this to mind:

Funny how writing about greasing pivot points correlates with a lubricated cross.  

Funny how, before writing this, I was writing a subhead called "Squeaky Wheels"....and how that really does apply here. 

Funny how that guy up there, Richard Patrick, who coincidentally is just a few months older than myself,  

 Funny how he's the baby brother of this guy.....

Probably one of the first memorable experiences, outside of watching T1, encountering a walking, human being-looking thing with no soul.  

You also not might know that such a horrifyingly creepy character could also rock.

I didn't, until my Beloved found it...I also never pay much true attention to bands (unless it's Type O Negative or My Ruin), who they are, where they live, and who they are related to....so I never put the two's together until probably about the same time I originally saw this.  

ANYWHOOO, I was all set to go on and on about being pro-choice, about being on the A-theistic side, and about humans with no souls,  but instead I'll just grease my wheels and keep quiet until I'm a bit more clear-headed and can actually focus on one or two points.  In the meantime, you should really check out Filter if you never have.  

I wish I could go see them in October...just going to be a few miles away.  Who knows. Maybe it will happen.  

Grease your wheels, and as always keep moving forward, right?  Happy Friday! 

26 September 2013


Somedays, I just got nothin'.

Happy Thursday.

In the meanwhile, if you're bored and want to see some very trippy iPhone/Smartphone cases, check these out:

24 September 2013

Bitch Fits

That's it...I just totally got distracted by fashion on the way to obtaining the vidya clips for this post.  I just have to stop pretending I don't care and start talking about it. Not here, of course, but somewhere else. :D

THAT being said...this is what I was all about yesterday:

This one, because yeah.....there are never enough hours in the day to listen Mr. Paul say the word.  

This one because I want him to call me one.  I have no clue why, but it would make me squeal. 

and THIS masterpiece?  This one because, what would be better than combining music that makes you want to do several happy dances with A.P.-Style pronunciation of a seemingly mundane word? 

Yesterday was clearly a Bitch-themed day. I saw this in the morning....this could be what started it: 

I am nothing if not full of sarcasm. I have the eye roll/palm wave choreographed to a science. Yesterday however was about feeling accomplished. About getting shit done. Today will be more of the same. Some days you just don't need, want or have any profound thoughts. Hoping today goes that way as well.  

New ideas, more getting shit done, more of the better, less of the worse. 

It's Tuesday, BITCH!  

22 September 2013

This Will Not Do

I have no clue what I searched last night on Youboob but when I did, this girl was in the sidebar.  I'm sure, if you're someone who is in touch with today's music, you know her. I don't. She's all new to me.  And while, in ONLY MY OPINION, she's kind of riding on a combination of the poppy, yet British, Adele kind of sound (who wouldn't it's a good sound!!), there's something there....and it's not ALL pop nor is it ALL Adele, it's different.  I also figured that with a name like that, you can't suck all that much (HA, I know this to be a false thought process, yet I still try new things here and there...)  

This wasn't the first thing I found, but the lyrics herein are what got me.....

Especially these: 

Cause I was raised up 
To be admired to be noticed
But when you're withdrawn it's the closest thing
To assault when all eyes are on you
This will not do

I was frightened of every little thing that I thought was out to get me down
To trip me up and laugh at me

No, I wasn't raised as a pageant baby, or to even be a 'girlie' girl....but I was constantly put on display when I didn't want to be....forced to sing or to play piano in front of the congregation or at school.  And I did it, for years, because I thought it would gain me the approval and acceptance I so longed for, yet never quite got. Ever. Any accolades....just fleeting seconds here and there, were just not worth it.  And, any voice that I did have, that I was just about to get to use in my own way? Squashed, like a gnat on the countertop....obliterated because doing so wasn't gelling with someone else's ideals of what I should be doing.  So, yeah, we'll never know where I could've gone because my will to find out what I truly could do, that was firmly planted at the bottom of the compost pile. Why? Because, as seems to be a running theme in my life, because of fear.  

Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep 
Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat 

Her cover of this Kings of Leon tune is fairly touching. I like it.  Actually I like alot of what I listened to, so at some point, I might buy some of it. Funny how the only REAL verse or set of lyrics in the song is that which resonates most......because I am withdrawn and because I was forced to think that if I wasn't singing in service of someone else's Lord I should just stay silent.....because of that, i wage a lot of wars in my sleep while others are out DOING what they know they can do. Maybe it's in the knowing? I don't have that particular knowledge about myself. 

And then, there's Adele, who has been dinging my brain cell all weekend. Not sure why...maybe it's just because she has such a mesmerizing voice and the ability to put words in to a form that hits me right in the heart....this girl/woman just has something you don't find every day.  

I think this song has to be my absolute favorite. Why? Because I am so the opposite of socially adept. I don't deal with people all that well. I can't make small talk. I can't babble on endlessly about myself and my life. I have the attention span of a flea...which may be mistaken for a really good ability to listen....and I am painfully shy, to the point of preferring to just be at home with my beloved than out in public where there's even the possibility of being assaulted by the stares of others.  So, no, I can't keep up with all the social cues, the games people play, the back and forth and constant changing of minds, I can't do it and I don't respond well when forced to do it. 

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

Whatever I might have been, I've let go. I stare at my grandma's piano, sitting in the corner, holding up pictures and candleholders, and I know that I could make sound come out of it, but it's almost painful to do so....because then it would remind me of how weak I was and still am. THIS will not do. Whatever I am now, comes through my typed words and things made out of whatever....(like my current, decades-long, addiction to yarn and fabric and fashion...) Because those things don't care if I mess up...those things let me hit the delete key or rip out a row or a whole piece and they let me start over.  

With those things, I can breathe. There is still a magical fuck-ton of fear, mind you...but it's fear that I am willing to fight....because I know I don't have any other option. While my fear isn't crippling, it's not a full-blown phobia, it's enough to keep me motivated to make sure I won't have to go back out amongst other humans and make like I'm part of society. 

There's not really any wake up call today...just more realization about who I really am. You learn something new every day, right?  

Full lyrics here: 

and here: 

and here: 

19 September 2013

Buy Your Second Guesses From Heisenberg

Clearly, I cannot get away from this song......

I haven't even had anything profound to discuss since last Sunday and yet, the song keeps dinging me. I was sitting here, innocently enough, working yesterday. My husband always turns on my radio alarm when he shuts his beeper alarm off each day. I, then, always forget to shut it off and proceed to be lifted out of my seat when it turns on at 4:30 p.m. by the very loud sounds of the local "rock" (term used very, very loosely) station. Same thing occurred yesterday, and at exactly the same time that the alarm started, this very song was starting...I mean JUST starting...there it was.  Freaky, probably only to me, but still....freaky.  

I think it applied yesterday because I've been working, like a damned fool, to try to accomplish my writing work and goals....I was stressed because I was NOT getting things done at the speed I though I SHOULD be getting things done....stress.  So yeah, I wish....I wish that this life was just a fantasy....but instead, it's just reality.  And reality, sometimes, definitely bites.  

Then, this morning, I saw this......

Which, NOW, of course, makes perfect sense.  NOW, after stressing and "reacting" to my fears yesterday....today, I can take a step back and "respond" instead, right?  I handle a lot of things internally, inside the dusty cavern where my brain cell lives.....why?  

  • Fear
  • Fear
  • More Fear
  • Fear
  • Confusion
  • Fear

Fear of rejection, fear of reprimand, fear of looking like an idiot, fear of being left behind...all these things control my inability to just open my mouth.  Instead, I ingest whatever comes along, and I chew on it internally, then I panic, also internally, and plan, internally...and then DO something, anything, everything I can to make sure that things will be alright, even if alright is just in the moment.  

I feel like most everything negative that happens is my fault....on a personal level.  (I'm not so insane, yet, as to think that my existence is the cause of war and famine, but give me time...I'll get to it.)  I am the Queen of Second Guessing every decision, every word, every sentence and every action I did, do, and will do. 

But this is about responding instead of reacting right?  So, I have to train my brain cell to RESPOND accordingly.  I can't go back and fix my mistakes, I can only do what I can do NOW to make things right, to make things better, to keep things balanced. If I was 100% certain that my mistakes, my faults, my shortcomings and my flaws wouldn't come flying back in my face, it would be easier to share things out loud. Instead, I just try to keep things mellow, peaceful, and to make those that I love happy and NOT pissed off at me. NOT hating me. NOT loathing me. NOT being disgusted by me....all very terrifying to me.  

I hate fear. I wish there was a pill to buy from that man in white that would take away fear....like taking away "Restless Leg Syndrome" or "Erectile Dysfunction"...(which I cannot ever have, thankfully...)..just a simple Anti-Fear pill...that would be nice. That would make me smile.  

On a very complete aside, I would LOVE to hear Bryan Cranston's response to this idea....

THAT would be awesome. And a WAY better ending to an EXCEPTIONAL, PHENOMENAL show (that shouldn't be ending yet.....) than this ending: 

15 September 2013

The Bohemian Seas of Fanta

Throwbacks. That's apparently what today is all about. It's Sunday, there's football (whether there are throwback jerseys being worn this year or not is beyond me...) and there is a ton of throwback music playing on my Beloved's Pandora station in the living room.  Then, of course, scrolling through FB, first I saw this......

and then I saw this a few posts down......

What are the chances?  Coincidence?  I think probably NOT.  

Especially when the likes of this....

and this.....

on Pandora....

How can you not be thrown back to a simpler time? A time when, for some of us, there were not all these distractions, brought to you by this here vehicle for the thoughts, ideas, dreams, nightmares and other assorted ramblings of anyone with access to the Internets. 

Books were still hold-able, tangible, solid objects that you could read or throw on a whim. No duck faces, no selfies, no reality TV. No no iPads, no smartphones, no laptops.....pretty much a lot of nothing (at least where we grew up)....yet.  Oh, it was in development, of course, but it had yet to reach us.  

There was this...

And, as the meme so aptly charges, there was indeed THIS: 

Perhaps it's time to get rid of all the hurking, twerking and general jerking off of which we've become so accustomed. Time to get back to the things that will EXPAND minds and horizons instead of shrinking them. And yes, I fully realize the irony of the above brought to you by the fact that I found the inspiration on FB, but be it known, it's not the only thing I am doing today. Not by a long shot.  

Life is NOT just a fantasy, it IS reality and it is a reality of our own making, nothing more, and definitely nothing less. 

14 September 2013

Boom Boom Fear

The Universe is strange. I was thinking about fear yesterday....and how it was trying to sneak into my brain and coil around my current burst of "I CAN DO THIS". Fear of the unknown. Fear of failing. Fear of losing everything. All of it designed just to keep me still and silent and NOT moving forward.....and naturally this popped in my head...

There's always something unseen, waiting to take it all away, in my brain. that's what fear does. It gnaws at you, and slowing, but surely erodes your sense of accomplishment, sense of safety. I guess instead of letting it stifle me, I need to let it MOTIVATE me.

I think, however, that the real wake up call for me was the fact that at the same time I was here, hearing that song in my head, my beloved was at work, driving around the city in the big truck and listening to it...and SINGING it for all, in traffic, to enjoy. It's why I love him...his love of music. Well, PART of why I love him, but to see the amount of joy it brings him makes me happy.  

Meanwhile, back at the farm.....my husband loves me. Even when fear tells me I should be scared of losing him...he loves me regardless.  He brought me a work-at-home care package last night.....full of sweet things like: 

and this....

and this.....

All that, so I can smell wonderful aromas of milk, honey, berry cobbler and coffee while listening to music that makes me want to MOVE forward instead of sitting still, being afraid. I mean, just listen to this and how can you NOT want to move?

Video stupid? Yes, but still.....you wanna see stupid, watch me try to dance when I play this:

I totally digress.  Back to my beloved:  He is a saint among men. A true blessing to me, and I know that I probably can't ever show it enough. I just hope he knows it.  Think I'm done babbling for today. What is a blessing to you? Show me your alive....say something. :)  

12 September 2013

Boiling Down the Soul

Who knew that this.....

So ANYONE can live FREE in this country......

Would invoke the wrath of all Hades.....

You couldn't be, you couldn't be me even if you wanted to,

Everything I've been through. You wouldn't know...

You’re all talk but your words are empty 
The big shot you pretend to be 
You’re all talk but your words are empty 
My middle finger is all you get from me 

Fuck You, I Won't Do What You Tell Me..........

And, in turn, cause me to use all my middle digits, the mental and the physical.  

How many people ever read or listen or watch something all the way through before they jump to conclusions. How many people can be somewhat in your presence day after day, read only certain things, ignore others, and proceed to show utter contempt and hatred because they are not fully informed?  

Take any of these things at face value only and you can come up with all sorts of assumptions.  Instead, I have gleaned from each one exactly the words that resonate with me. I don't agree with every single thing said by every single person ever, but some points do resonate. Strongly.  

I'm not a purveyor of hatred, by any means. I'm also not selective in my hate of humans. I don't discriminate. There's no religion, there's no skin color, no political stance...there either IS or there is NOT a soul inside all of us that drives us to make the choices we do. It all boils down to the soul. 

Not just me, but anyone....anyone you come in contact with, anyone you see or read on a regular basis...take a moment to get to actually know them. Ask them questions. Listen to them. HEAR them. SEE things through their eyes for a second. Sure, it's easier and a metric millifuckingsecond quicker to see the mask...but it's what is BEHIND the mask that really matters.  Don't just fly off and preach and demand and order them to see things ONLY as you see them. When you think about it, that's really how this planet got to be as twisted and screwed up as it has become.

11 September 2013

Enough Said.

From here
no lines are drawn
From here
no lands are owned
13,000 and Holding
Swallowed in the purring
of her Engines
tracking the Beacon here
"Is there a Signal
there on the other side"
On the other side?
What do you mean side of what things?

and you said
and you did
and you said
you would find me here
and you said
you would find me
even in Death
and you said
and you said
You'd find me

But I can't see New York
As I'm circling down
through white cloud
Falling out and I know
his lips are warm
but I can't seem to find
my way out
my way out
of this hunting ground

From here
crystal meth
In metres of millions
In the end all we have,
soul blueprint.
and did we get lost in it
do we conduct a search for this
"from the other side"
From the other side?
What do they mean
side of what things...

and you said
and you did
and you said
you would find me here
and you said
you would find me
even in Death
and you said
and you said
You'd find me

But I can't see New York
As I'm circling down
through white cloud
Falling out and I know
his lips are warm
but I can't seem to find
my way out
my way out

I can't see New York
'cause I'm circling down
through white cloud
and I'm falling out and
I know your lips are warm
but I can't seem to find
my way out
my way out
of your hunting ground

you again
It's you again
I can't see
I can't see New York
I can't see
I can't see New York
from the other side
I Hum from the other side

10 September 2013

Middle of Somewhere

Middle of the day thought (wake up call, yeah, it is)....

You have a brain. USE it.

I'm doing that. Starting yesterday and forever more, I'm done sitting stagnant. I may not come up with mind-blowing, earth-shattering revelations, but whatever I do, it is moving me forward.  

And now....just to toot my own damned horn for a second, allow me to show you what I've been working on:

It goes with this link: 

I have this total adoration of fresh flowers, those which typically aren't roses.....herbs, and other plants.  I also love to piddle around with Photoshop. I'm self taught and still can't accomplish alot, but I can toy with colors and overlays and what not and so far, I think I've created a collection that's worth a look. (Feel free to pin them and share them elsewhere, too, if you like them!!)  

I have squashed and hidden and otherwise silenced my creativity for far too long. 

In the meantime, listen to this...it might be incorporated into the only tattoo I ever get....

We huddled in the derelict building
The gypsy girl and I
We made our bed together
With the rain and tears in our eyes

And who will be the one
To say it was no good what we done

I dare anyone, dare anyone to say we were too young
We were only trying for the sun

Mirror, mirror in the sky
Won't you look what's happening here below
No one knows what's going on
Can you give us a sign where to go

And who will be the one
To say it was no good what we done
I dare anyone, dare anyone to say we were too young
We were only trying for the sun