18 March 2012

On Being Negative

Up before my Beloved's alarm....how alarming!  So many things to do today, so little brain cell capacity to get it all done. Thinking alot about negative behaviors, negative responses, negative self image and just to throw you a curve, Type O Negative...


Typically, not a day goes by that I don't listen to or think about something Type O-related. I mean, when a band comes into your life during the more or less FORMATIVE years, it kind of makes a dent that can't be pounded out. Especially when a person within said band takes an especially early leave, and then reminds you, as they always did sing, that...


There, simply, just will never be another collection of people that will make so. much. sense. The other members have moved on, some remaining in music, the other taking a completely different turn. And as much as I want to adore their new projects, it's just not the same. Something is just amiss. 

Apart from missing them, I'm missing links within myself that will take me where I want to be, I fear. I had high, high hopes for my new (4-month old) job. I went into it with a different mindset. But of course, negativity being what it is, it picked and picked and poked and prodded at me, until now, I can feel myself getting sucked right into the middle of other people's bullshit and drama. I FUCKING HATE THAT! I just want to go to work, do my job well, get better, laugh, be productive and know that I'm doing something to better myself. But, as per usual, there's this constant battle between good humor and ill will. Me, being on the good humor side, looking at those with nothing but ill will, and wanting to vomit all over them.  

I just don't get it. I still don't know how to approach it, and I refuse to spend every waking moment fretting over it. It just pisses me off to no end. People way older than me, embroiled in their gossip and backstabbing and bullshit.....people need to grow the fuck up. I don't like being lied to. I don't like being stabbed in the back by people that don't even begin to know me. I don't like back and forth, he said, she said bullshit....

Which reminds me of this...


You just wanna scream in someone's face. Not even anyone in particular, except for maybe that freak that decided to make sexually-charged comments about my unwrapping a loaf of cheese yesterday. HIM, I would have absolutely NO problem screaming at...and then lodging said cheese loaf directly at his head. 

I'm really trying to keep my head above water, here. Trying to avoid letting it all bring me down. Trying to hold on to the hope that someone will see my worth and understand that I am TOO fucking old for this shit. 

Mayhaps the Universe is screaming something extremely important to me....but I'm too busy being utterly peeved to hear it right now. Maybe the message is this:  I'm better than this. I've been brought to my knees by way bigger things than this. Roadblocks are the Universe's way of teaching you how to make your own path and leave the potholes in the past. 

Mayhaps. 



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