07 January 2012

Silver Lakes and Quiet Truths

Sometimes the Universe likes to repeat messages when it feels I'm JUST NOT GETTING IT.  Such is the case today......that and the song just applied to the past few days. It's like you're only allowed so many days in a row of feeling really, really good, both mentally and physically, before some unseen force comes along to remind you that it's not all peach pie and prime rib....(in lieu of peaches and cream, which I'm not particularly fond of).... 

After a not so great evening, bed was good. For about 4 hours. Woke up at 12:30-ish, took my medicine so I could actually have coffee when I got out of bed completely, then back to sleep. Nightmares. So much rain, so much change, abandonment, sadness, strange people, strange places, old friends, family, the whole entire nine. Up at 2:30 AM, screaming headache wrapped around my cranial cap.....and Ms. B comes along and screams: 

The forecast said it would be sunny
I guess they got it wrong
It's raining again in Silverlake
And I need to hear my song
The one that puts me in the mood
To spill my guts and talk to you
Saves me from my self-inflicted worry when I do
Oh, you're asleep right now but I'm still wide awake
It's hard for me to close my eyes without no pill to take
I think of all the times I tried, the nights I dreamed I'd died
Help me feel alive again 'cause I'm so dead inside
Well, I'm a liar and you're my saint
It feels so good being the one they hate
And I'm a sinner, so let's all pray
I wouldn't want it any other way...

My Ruin

I guess you could say we're (me and my beloved) kind of like one of those massive, yet dormant, volcanoes that occasionally needs to spout a little steam and spew forth smidgens of lava in order to maintain its full composure. Sometimes, I really do find myself questioning my worth. Sometimes, it really seems that no matter what I do, what I say or what I feel, it just never quite measures up. Probably some longstanding childhood issue, but it smarts just the same.  

Go on....

Then, as I started to read my Facebook feed, Ms. Anne Rice posted this beautiful work by Max Ehrmann: 

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, 
be on good terms with all persons. 
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 
and listen to others, 
even to the dull and the ignorant; 
they too have their story. 
Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, 
you may become vain or bitter, 
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, 
for the world is full of trickery. 
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 
many persons strive for high ideals, 
and everywhere life is full of heroism. 
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. 
Neither be cynical about love, 
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 
gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, 
be gentle with yourself. 
You are a child of the universe 
no less than the trees and the stars; 
you have a right to be here. 
And whether or not it is clear to you, 
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, 
whatever you conceive Him to be. 
And whatever your labors and aspirations, 
in the noisy confusion of life, 
keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 
it is still a beautiful world. 
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

So I would take that as a sign from the Universe.......it's within my power, and totally up to me, to build the strength of my spirit, keep peace in my soul and as always, to be myself. 

Be yourself. Period. 

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