21 January 2012

The Motherlode of Cigarettes and Coffee

Yes, I slacked. That and when the only thing I hear on the radio is notes during the waking moment, my brain doth not compute very well. Plus, I was tired as hell from yesterday's travels and not at all in the mood to wake up for work. So, here we are, getting our wake up call right around dinner time. 

Before I get too deep, you'll need to watch this, in order to balance things accordingly......

This week's just been full of way to much drama. Way too much loss. 

My youngest has now thoroughly flown the coop with no hopes of ever returning, I think. I'm certain that it's for the best and yet there's a part of me that wishes that it could have been different and that I had been a different person, one who wouldn't have clashed so violently with one of my own. It seems to me that since the day I found out I was pregnant with her, it's been a neverending, uphill battle to hold on to something that, I guess, just wasn't supposed to work out the way I always wanted. Had I been a stronger person, had I believed in myself, had I had the courage of my convictions, maybe things would have been exponentially different, but I can't live in the past. I'm not that person anymore, I've paid and paid and paid again for my mistakes. I've learned. I've changed. But sometimes, change and learning come just a little too late in the game, and all you can do is hope that the person you've wronged will someday be able to get past it and forgive you and realize that, through all the bullshit, you really did and always will love them without condition.  

Then, whilst doing my quarterly review of obituaries from the place where I grew up, I learned of something so completely messed up that it just still leaves me speechless.  A girl, well woman, I went to school with, died this past November. Since I don't much stay in touch with anyone that I went to school with, I found out through the obituaries. She seemed so together, so perfect, so beyond where we grew up. I knew she moved to the big city...and beyond that, didn't know much else.  She died of breast cancer, after having moved back to the area to fight her battle.  Then, I read down the list....come to find out, she died on the day of her own mother's wake/calling/viewing.......because her mother had died just days before of the same horrid disease. How does that happen?  How do a mother and daughter fight the same disease together and succumb nearly together, within just days?  I cannot imagine the heartache and sorrow left behind. 

There's me, with not one, but three mothers. One that left us back in 1997, one that I miss so incredibly, every time I look out the window and wish she was still right next door. One that lives hundreds of miles away, yet whom I know I can call or send a message to and know that I am regularly in her thoughts. She, I am most like, so I don't mind silence and I don't mind not being able to physically see her, because I know I love her and I know she did the best she knew how, for herself and for me, and that is what matters. Then, the one who is less than 45 physical miles away and 10 billion emotional light years away. The one I'm fairly certain I'll never make amends with, because she's made it perfectly clear how very little respect she has for me, as a person and as a mother myself. Life does go on. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. 

And, at last.....
Gently borrowed from here....  
No, I was never her biggest fan.....but I know what that one song means to me, and I know that some day soon, I'll start really delving into her works, so I can hear more of that sure, solid, golden voice that takes me away. That voice. That voice will be sorely, sorely missed.  

So, I suppose, the Universe would like me to get a bit more practiced in saying goodbye, or maybe just appreciating life as it happens, in the moment. There's not a damned thing you can do about losing people, but there are a gazillion things you can do in the meantime. 

As an anonymous quoter once quoted: 

"Pain fades. Beauty remains........" 

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