14 January 2012

Believing in Something Divine

Oh, no wake up call today. It's an off day, so no alarm. Just thinking about why I needed to obtain a copy of this:

Tis the most horrifically sad film I think I've ever seen. Mainly because, in this family, we've been touched by the deadly hands of Alzheimer's Disease not once, nor twice, but THREE times and maybe more. It's yet to be determined. My Grandmother, my beloved's Grandmother and now his aunt, who is probably in the mid-stages, but maintaining with medication. As my son once referred to it, Alzheimer's is erasing your brain, one word at a time...(or something like that, I can't remember the exact quote....). How odd that, as a teen, I chose a book from the library about a younger man who got the disease. I didn't understand it then, and I can't remember the title, but I suppose it was something the Universe wanted me to read in order to prepare me for the events of later life. Who knows?  

But this is less about this ghastly disease and more about my Grandma. 

I miss her so much. Every day. 

If ever there were an angel, it was her. I regret every day that I did not spend more time with her. It is truly my loss. So you'll understand that when I see the two people on this earth that remind me of her in so many ways, it breaks my heart yet keeps me connected to her and fully prevents me from acknowledging that she's gone.  

For one, there is the Queen: 

Borrowed gently from here

No, they are not identical twins. But to me, in mannerism, dress (except hats, my Grandma never wore hats), and stature, the Queen equals my Grandmother, right down to the way she holds her handbags and stands there with her hands held together. 

I guess we can blame 'Nine' for reminding me of the next almost-Grandma-doppleganger, Dame Judi Dench:         

                                                               Gently borrowed from here

Gently borrowed from here

Gently borrowed from here

The first time I got the movie, it was during the time when Grandma was still around, I do believe, or perhaps shortly after she passed. I had no clue just how much Dame Judi resembled her until I watched it. Everything from the blank stare to the child-like shuffling walk to the very shape of her hands screamed Grandma to me.  

I recall how I always wanted to save the last speech from the film.  It is here, starting at 5:59 in the clip: 

Yet, if you watch it from the beginning, you will see the line that touched my beloved the most: 

"I used to be so afraid of being alone with you and now I can't be without you...."

If you can't watch the clip, here is the speech that is divine and which tore my heart out: 

We need to believe in something divine
 without the need for God
 something we might call love or goodness. 
As the Psalm says, 
"Whither shall I go from thy spirit?"
 "Whither shall I flee from thy presence?"
 "If I ascend unto heaven, thou art there:
 If I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there."
 "If I take the wings of the morning, 
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; 
even there shall thy hand lead me, 
and thy right hand shall hold me."

Many thanks to this site for putting up the script of 'Iris'! 

This was the story of my Grandparents.....I watched my Grandpa die of a broken heart because he could no longer care for her. I saw her see him for the last time. I saw him taking some of his last breaths and I saw his face after death came calling. The last time I saw my Grandma, she was but a shrunken shell of the angel I knew. I couldn't take it and I ran away like a coward, never coming back until she was gone, to clean out her room at the home. I keep a pair of her shoes, a coat, a dress and a sweater of hers hanging in my closet. Ever so often, I just take them out and wish for her to be her again. It never works.  

Yes, this has been depressing, reliving the pain of the past.....but sometimes, I just need to see her in any way that I can.  However, something occurred to me whilst watching it again last night.  The actor who plays  John Bayley, Iris's husband, is the same man who did this: 

I think that's all I've got to say about all of this today. Here's to a lovely weekend!  

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