19 December 2011

Can You Show Me Where It Hurts?

No alarm, just a raging case of insomnia, interrupted by several 2-hour stints of that thing called sleep. Lots of things deter me from sleeping, from depression to medications to cure said depressions. One of the reasons I enjoy NOT taking medication. I have a brain that is just ON all the time, so sleep is an elusive gift for me. I'm jealous of people that can sleep for 10-12 hours stretches. What the hell?

Regardless, events of the past few days brought this to mind:

I'm not depressed right now. That's a thing that comes and goes, typically brought on by life events over which I have no control. Right now, things are good. I think. For the most part. Yet, sometimes, life has a tendency to slap you upside the head right good. 

I'm a very mellow sort of girl. For the most part, I keep everything locked up inside safe from public scrutiny. Anything said out loud or online does not even come close to resembling the full reality of my existence and it never will. I hold things like privacy, family and a safe place to fall sacred. So when any one of those starts to fade or crumble, it rattles my collective cage. 

I don't care if you speak your mind. In fact, anything less is just bullshit. However, if you have something to say to me, about me, then you need to approach it from a place of sincere caring and not a place of hatred or disgust in order for it to have the desired effect on ME. If you yell at me, if you talk over me when I'm trying to explain myself, if you berate me or make me out to be anything less than the person I know I am, you'll pretty much just get this:  Fuck. Off. 

Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Maybe I'd better change shirts and get this heart off my sleeve. Perhaps I just need to change my mindset, and never expect to get back what I give, then life might be a touch easier. But I'm stubborn. I keep being here. I keep listening. I keep caring. I keep loving. It is who I am and nothing nor no one will ever change that about me. 

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers. 

And sometimes, I get really, really angry when I know I've been disrespected and ignored. 

It is. What it is. 

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